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You have survived too many storms to be concerned by a drop of rain.

—Unknown—

Funny part about rain….. We all love it. It’s just in our nature to love rain, it signifies growth, birth, and a sense of cleansing…. But damn, too much rain, if you just get too much rain, then it just seems to sometimes not only wash away the bad, but also sometimes washes the ability to notice the good….. This is a limiting belief that I must erase from my mental lexicon.

Date: Saturday, October 23,2021

Time: 11:26pm

Place: The club in the ATX

Song playing at I begin this post: “Sundown” by Chris Lake

Life is a curious thing. Just think of it, a man from poverty actually believes that he will one day be a millionaire. LMAO. Just what on earth can make a man think that? Maybe at some point at my core I really do believe that I have survived too many storms to be concerned by life’s drops of rain.

(Dear God, please give me favor. Love, Max.)

So it’s a Saturday night and the club is starting to look packed for a weekend before Halloween. Tonight there is already over 40 girls on tonight’s roster.  But for me I’m lucky enough to believe that 40 is just the minimum for a Saturday night. But yea, Saturday here at the club is off to a descent start. But the real thing…. Max, me, where’s my direction since my last posting? Well I’m glad you asked.

Since my last posting my life is still much like a roller coaster. I’m still pushing to recognize joy in my life. It is still something that I am struggling to manifest. Funny part about manifestation, in theory it’s like the easiest thing in the world to do, but in reality, you must first become what you are NOT in order to have what you say you want or want to become. Almost paradoxical isn’t it… It’s almost like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg?

So life recently, so often feels like I am drudging thru knee high mud. I have a white erase board at home. And on that board I have a list of the major things that I must accomplish, and I see it literally everyday. And everyday nothing seems to move on that board. Nothing gets erased and worse, I seem to mentally fight not to put anything else on that board. Three overall general topics still seem to be at the main forefront of my life. Transportation, Real Estate, and Life. And in each of these categories there just seems to be things that are not wanting to budge.

Lets start off with transportation….Luckily now my car is back up and running. To get it back on the road it only took a little over $4000 and a little over two months of having it sit in the street as I waited for an engine for it. But at the same time I must remember that the engine comes from a junkyard and there is really no warranty on the engine and so I MUST ensure that I have a back up means of transportation. And I am not talking about my motorcycle. As my motorcycle serves as a means for me to travel from San Antonio to Austin, but it is something that I in no way want to use as I drive around town. You see, over the last 15 years I have driven a motorcycle to and from work. And on my last motorcycle I put over 350,000 miles on that bike. And at the end it was still drivable but the engine was starting to lose oil and the alternator shaft broke and was too expensive to fix and not worth the effort since the engine was already burning oil thru the pistons. But I digress. So yea, dependable transportation….. My car is back up and currently working, but I still MUST get my truck running and looking good and by all estimations, its’ going to cost me about $20,000 to get it to the “good” of what would define truly usable. And guess what….. I don’t have $20,000. So this transportation thing is still a worry in my mind. And I know that I MUST not “worry” instead I must find gratitude. But damn, for some reason, it’s just not that easy for me. Over the last year I have been beaten down so much and cried so much that I just don’t yet know how to remember to be thankful…… Like in reality I can find maybe half a seconds worth of gratitude, but damn, for me that’s just  not enough to really be poised or centered for the trials and errors that are going on thru my life. I feel like there are so many things that I should be adding into my life to help bring gratitude and joy into my life, but I just don’t yet know how to do it.

So my truck… It goes into the shop on Monday and they will be working on the front brakes, as it turns out, because my truck has 37 inch tires with 22 inch rims, the stock brakes on the truck are just not sufficient to properly stop my truck, and truthfully I have known this ever since the day that I had those big tires installed onto my truck. And luckily I already gave the mechanic the money needed to buy the front brake system, but now I must still find the money to have him install the brakes. Then once the brakes are done there are still a myriad of things in order to get that truck up and running properly on the road…. From things like some electrical issue that is causing the battery to be drained every night to the fact that I still don’t yet have a gas tank for the truck. I swear just thinking about all this just upsets me and pushes me to another level of insanity. So yea, that truck…. I have had it for almost 20 years, and about 15 years ago I started to modify it and now over 15 years later I still can’t drive it. Maybe that’s just what’s so upsetting…. to have something for such a long time and still not be able to use it, and worse, that it is going to cost me at least another $20,000 just to enjoy something that I envisioned almost two decades ago….. I swear it’s shit like that…. The poverty. the poverty causing me not to have the things I dreamed about. I swear this will one day change.

Let’s move on from the transportation thing, Another area that is moving like honey in winter, is the real estate part of my life. This is also something that I think about daily. Like literally fucking daily! I got multiple things that I am juggling in this area. There is the 4plex…. Out of 4 apartments, I only have one rented. It’s the smallest apartment. My biggest apartment is currently in the “make ready” phase. The tenants of my largest apartment moved out in August or September and so now I have lost at least 2 months worth of rent and there is just one small thing that I did not do when I remodeled that apartment. That apartment is over 20 years old and I did a major revamp of that apartment and it cost me probably close to $30,000 to renovate. It set me back almost 3 years and a shit ton of money. But I finally got it ready and rented. Again, it was good to go except for one thing….. The tub in the master bath really needed to be changed out and have a new one installed, but instead I just band aided it to look good. And now that the tenants are gone and when I was doing the walkthru, I could see that I could no longer just band aid the tub. I just really had to change it out. The only problem is that the master bath is extremely small and replacing that tub was going to cost me at least $2000. That’s $2000 and a hell of a hassle to install a new tub that will not easily fit in such a small space. This is a challenge that I just did not want to have to take on, but now I just have no choice.

So what’s the progress of this apartment being made ready to rent????? maybe 80% But it still requires at least another $2000 and at least 72 solid hours of work from different workers. Workers that cost money…. Again, money that I am not prepared for or don’t yet have on hand. And not only will it cost workers and money, it will also cost time. And currently because I don’t have great workers, I will either have to depend on myself ALWAYS being around to do some of the actual work and or to constantly oversee my current worker Eddie. Eddie is a great guy and I have mentioned him in prior posts, but sadly Eddie is not focused on doing a great job in life. Rather instead, life influences him and he usually goes to the lowest common denominator of how he conducts his life, which means that I must now be around to ensure that he gets the job done, and worse I must ensure that he gets it done in a timely manner and also to at least the minimum standard that works for me.  And as  I think of the things that are still needed to get done on that apartment, it just feels like it’s going to take me another 30 days to accomplish something that could have gotten done in a week. For example, I started the renovation of the tub 3 weeks ago and that damn thing is still not finished. And by my best guestimate I should have that bathroom looking rent ready by the end of this week and at worst by the end of the following week. And this shit still doesn’t include all the other “little” things that need to get worked on and or touched up. Like seriously, its just that god damn tedious. But what can I do, it just has to get done. Either it gets done or I lower myself to having apartments that will be worthy of only a slum lord….. And a slum lord is just not what I want or will allow myself to be.

So my largest apartment in “make ready” phase and still needing about a month and several thousands of dollars of time and money, and now there is apartment #3. Apartment #3 is a 2 bedroom 1 bath, and I have it rented to a woman and her son, the woman is in her 60s and the son is in his late 30s. And sadly since July they have not paid rent. And worse I recently learned that the mother moved out several months ago. And because of covid, it has been a pain in the ass for me to kick this damn tenant out. It cost me over $1000 to hire a lawyer to take him to court and after recently taking him to court, he appealed and now it is costing me almost $2000 to take him to court again just to get him the fuck out of the apartment. Without him knowing he is just making my life worse. And because of his in ability to handle his own life, I am now having to carry him like a baby that is too young to care for its own self.

This truly upsets me, I have lost a lot of money in rent, at least 4 months of rent and thousands of dollars in lawyer fees. And worse the lawyer recently told me that I may not be able to get a court date until February of next year! Like WTF!!! this damn nigger will get to slide on free rent for almost 8 months. I swear to god, if this motherfucker really gets away with that much from me, That much freeloading, I truly hope something unfortunate happens to him. He in no way really tried to work anything out with me….  I even had my lawyer email him and offer him something called “rent relief”, Texas has this program called rent relief where if a tenant cannot pay rent , then the state of Texas will pay your rent for you…. And so I had my lawyer email him about the abilty to get free rent and that motherfucker chose to not take it. Like WTF. I as a landlord, am still offering you a way for us both to win, and what the fuck do you do???? You fucking ignore it. That so fucking upsets me. Like fuck him….. So in the infamous words of my friend Paul Castillio…… “I don’t wish you anything bad in life, But I SURE as hell also don’t wish you any good!” That’s my truest feelings for this tenant. And sadly his mother will also get a black mark from this event.

Then there’s still apartment #2. That damn apartment has been in remodel phase for at least 3 years and is still at least $8000 away from being finished. As of this last week, when I walked into it, I could see that it was closer than it was a month ago, but still……. it’s just not ready.. And in my mind, I must keep things in an order of priority. An order of priority of money, progress and sanity. First and foremost with the apartments, aside from having to pay the lawyer the thousands to kick the damn freeloader out of my life, I MUST finish the make ready of my largest apartment, then I can push money to apartment #2, But at the same time, I don’t always have a dependable worker, and so while I can get a dependable worker, I want to ensure that I get something done on apartment #2.

Then there’s thing called life. As in my life, my sanity, my joy, my ability to enjoy the worthiness of being alive. I struggle with this every day. I just don’t seem to have a purpose for being alive. I don’t have a reason to live. And for me, all the things I do, all the money I have and or spend should be reason enough for me to live, but you see, for me…. money just don’t mean shit…. Now don’t get me wrong,, money is deeply and I mean deeply important, but money “itself” just doesn’t make me happy. Instead money is only a tool. And what really makes me happy is deep meaningful relationships. And you see, what I am learning is that if I do things in the proper way, then I can have those deep meaningful relationships also make me money. And even better not only will they make me money, they will also bring me joy. Lot’s of joy. (Just the thought of this makes me smile) But currently my night job here at the club just doesn’t bring me joy, if anything, when I drive to work, and as I listen to my body as I drive to work, I can feel myself knotting up on the ride to work. This is something that shouldn’t happen. And when I am at home, I feel stress. Just lots of stress. Stress that just doesn’t seem to go away. It’s like I’m caught in the middle. The middle between where I don’t want to be and where I am not yet at. At some point this MUST get better. Soon I will be going to do ayahuasca for the first time. I am hoping that this will give me some sense of comfort in my life. Some sense of an emotional way to better see my life. IDK, in the past when I first started this blog, my problems were money, time, city permits, and trying to find workers, but now things have morphed from money, and permits, and workers to now, just the ability to keep pushing. Pushing even in spite of the money problems, keep pushing in spite of all the problems at the apartments, pushing in spite of not being able to find dependable workers,

The funny part, is that I have at some point gotten used to carrying the weight of the money problems, not to a large degree or a comfortable degree, so don’t get me wrong this money shit still bothers me a lot, but it just seems to pale in comparison to my lack of feeling joy in my life. And even the state of the apartments and the shit with the freeloader, All that shit is currently heavy for me. But in spite of all that, it too just seems to pale in comparison to my lack of feeling joy in my life. IDK, what I will say is this, my money problems, my apartment problems just seems to put more pressure on my view of how little I am joyful about life. Then there is my health. Luckily I am down to eating only once or twice a day. (More on the twice a day side) But I must start to fine tune my eating habits to eating foods that are NOT processed and foods that are not fried. As of late I am eating hamburgers and fries almost weekly. This must stop. I wish I had a good way to end today’s post. But instead. I should just be real. Sometimes all these storms just don’t seem like a drop of rain. In reality it just feels like a damn monsoon. A monsoon that won’t let up. But I know…. I just know that I gotta find a way to not give up. I just gotta find a way to push thru this era in my life. I just know that if it doesn’t kill me then it will make me stronger….. And if in the end somehow it kills me, well…..  I can at least say that I at least died trying.

Wish me luck,

Max.