This post is also available in: English (Inglés)

Time: 12:10am

Location: The Club in the ATX

Song Playing: Mau P – Dress Code.

I couldn’t find a title for this post, and I couldn’t find a quote for this post, so I began writing and it wasn’t until I finished writing that I went back and looked for someway to find a title for this post. I looked for something that had a thanksgiving theme, or at least had something to do with “turkey” and luckily I stumbled upon the following blessing that can be said at your next Thanksgiving dinner….. Enjoy.

When Giving Is All We Have

So tonight is Thanksgiving, or rather all day today has been thanksgiving and I just wanted to check in and put some thoughts on digital paper about my life and holidays.

I woke up today not truly realizing that today is a holiday, like I knew thanksgiving was near, or sometime really soon but, I don’t know, maybe I subconsciously just pushed it away mentally about it being today.

My mood today has been bleak, sad, uninviting, and hard to find that joyful internal smile. For quite sometime on any normal day, it always seem hard to find that internal smile, but today….today of all days, the holidays where you are supposed to gather with people you love, (God, just the thought of that hurts) Maybe, its just that, for most of my life, I have just never really had many great holidays. Growing up, most my life was void of fun holidays. Money was never available, family was primarily me and my mom, and sadly there was no money to buy gifts. And I didn’t really understand it back then, but now when I think about it, my mom never had friends at the house. I never saw her spend time with friends. She never had those groups or group of women/friends that would spend time with her or bond with her or laugh with her. Instead most of my life my mom worked and I was home alone. And now, as I look in the mirror with gray hair, I now see much of that in my own life. A life void of true connections. Void of  fun gatherings or events with friends. And the holidays…. Well that shit is ALL about connections. Something that I am having the hardest time seeing and finding in my own life.

And when it comes to my depression, I just get this underlying feeling that my depression stems from a lack of connection and self belief. The belief part is pretty easy to understand as my goals and dreams are set so high that it takes all of me to find self belief to move myself up the mountain to my goals…. but human connection, that’s a whole different animal… I’m sure I have it, but something in me doesn’t allow me to see the true connection that I seek, and I’m sure that it’s gotta be near or around me, or at least within my realm of attaining. I just currently can’t see it. I feel like a blind man walking into walls. I sure hope I solve this. My life, after I die depends on it. I want to ensure that after I die, that when I look back at my life, that I can say that it was meaningful and helpful to others and myself.

So how did I start my day today? Well, Today I decided to go and get sex. Yep. I already planned this event a few days earlier. Remember, I have no one special to share intimate moments with, no one to ask me if I am going to spend time with them, no one to plan special dates with. So yea, I went to find intimacy. Where I went for sex is unimportant. But what I will say about sex and my emotions. When I was in deep depression, I tried this thing called “cuddle companion” It’s a legit business where you can pay to have someone hug you (only hug you. you can lay on a couch or bed, but both people keep their clothes on and just hug) . It is supposed to help a person feel better about themselves and their life. I tried this a couple of times while I was in depression. And I gotta say, I did that cuddle thing with two different people, and it really was a weird thing for me. A part of me like it because I wasn’t alone and I was being hugged by a female, but in the end it just didn’t work for me. After a few times, the money I spent for someone to hug me just didn’t feel worth the benefits I got from it. At that time, the cost for someone to hug you was around $120 an hour. Sadly the cost just outweighed the benefits. And each of those two cuddler’s were also very different. One was older and more professional and tried to be helpful, while the other was young and more like a college student that was just tying to make a few extra bucks.

But in the end, I’ve really been trying to understand why I’m not excited about the holidays, and it really just ends up being a cumulation of childhood events and how I have allowed myself to not properly develop as I aged. So I am now at a point where I see that I REALLY want to love the holidays. I really want to enjoy every aspect of Halloween, and Thanksgiving, and Xmas. And I even want to enjoy valentines day and Easter Sunday. Like I am so ready to finally enjoy all those super great holidays. When my daughter was young and I didn’t work thanksgiving night, I would take the day to create some form of a thanksgiving meal, and I would deep fry a turkey (which tastes amazing) and I would actually try to find ways to enjoy the holidays while she was with me. But at that time, I only did that when my daughter was in my physical possession. As for my mom, she tried in her own way to enjoy the holidays, but it always felt like more complaining than enjoyment. I can only assume that she had really bad painful holiday experiences as she was growing up. So for me, I just rather not be around complaining during the holidays.

So fast forward to today, I woke up and told myself to go and get some sex. The girl was nice, pretty, caring, and attentive. She was probably in her 30s and definitely not from America. Afterwards we talked for a while. I didn’t have anywhere pressing to be or anyone to see or spend time with, and she seemed to somewhat enjoy my time. Afterwards I came home and thought about my life. How today most people are spending their time with family and or close friends. And how today is also literally a cold rainy day. When I came home I was really indecisive on what I should do with my time. I knew that I had to come to work at night, and so I tried to understand what to do with myself before work… Do I come home and go to sleep? Do I come home and cook something to eat? Do I try to find a restaurant open and go and eat alone while others will be eating with family? What do I really do with myself and the little time I have before work on this cold rainy morning/afternoon? Do I call someone and tell them how fucking lonely I feel? Is that what I should really be doing on the holidays? do I really want to vomit on people I care about?

Personally I just don’t wanna bother anyone with my internal mental dilemmas. It’s no ones fault that I don’t have friends to spend time with. It is no ones fault that I haven’t done more with my mind or my life. This is something that I need to fix. And oddly enough the way I spent my day was totally not the way I expected to spend it. I came home and made some food and watch some old reruns of the X-files. (I always loved that show) I then went upstairs and began to work on a couple of small projects that have been plaguing my life. For several months I have been needing to make some adjustments to my office desk, however it required that I fabricate some metal and cut legs off of my desk as well as other alterations to the desk itself. And although it’s not tough for me to do those things, it is cumbersome, and it is a process and it is very much time consuming, and not something I find joy in doing. But I pushed passed any unwanted feelings and worked on the desk project, and luckily as of today, I am finally about halfway done with that project. Sadly I still have more work to-do in order to completely finish my desk, but as of today I am finally able to use at least half of my desk again. After fiddling with the fabricated metal and trying to reorganize parts of my desk, I decided to drive to Walmart. I needed to buy Xmas lights for the DJ Booth here at work. I really should have done this yesterday, but I was being lazy and really just don’t give a shit to put the work into it. I’m not sure, maybe it’s just the loneliness that has me wanting to retreat inward and not really go into public spaces. Anyway…. So I drove to Walmart, only to see that it was closed. And it then reminded me that Walmart was probably closed because they were preparing for their Black Friday sale. So after seeing that the parking lot at Walmart was completely empty I came back home, and again that same damn feeling of emptiness just filled up in me again. No matter where I went, I could just feel it following me. I was almost tempted to go to a IHOP or Denny’s to hopefully not feel so lonely. They are breakfast restaurants that are open 24 hours everyday of the year. Even on holidays. And the only people at IHOP and Denny’s on thanksgiving are people like me that have no where to go or no one to spend time with. So I was tempted to stop there, maybe do some writing or something, but instead, I decided to just come home. By this time it was about 6:30pm and I needed to ensure that I was on my motorcycle and on the road by 8:30pm to ensure that I was at work by 10pm. So after checking the time, I asked myself, what can I do? what should I do? Is there anything that I can do that will be helpful, helpful to me, my life, my future or my mentality? And I thought about working out, but I just internally felt tired. Maybe it was my soul that was tired, maybe I was still drained from yesterday. Maybe I am just thinking too much. And then I remembered hearing a motivational video talking about how there was someone that wanted to workout, but they kept allowing their mind to come up with reasons to not workout…. ie: they were tired, not enough time, that working out would push all their other tasks to a later time frame and they would probably not get their proper tasks completed etc…. And so I told myself….. I only worked out once this week, and I MUST learn to work out a minimum of twice a week. And so I went to my workout room and looked at the weights, and I just didn’t have the mental capacity to do it, but then I looked at my VR headset and asked, what can I do? I am really just mentally pushing away from doing heavy weights, and if I am mentally pushing away from heavy weights, can I at least do 15 or 20 minutes of a cardio workout. And I could feel myself not run away from that idea of doing some cardio. So I put on my 40 pound weighted vest and then geared up the VR headset and did a 24 minute cardio workout. Afterwards, it was about 7:45pm and I was sweating and needed to take a shower. Just enough time to shower, and get dressed for work.

After my shower, I went downstairs to check on my 3D printer. I was trying for a third time to print a stand for my kindle Fire tablet. The last two days I tried twice to print a stand, but each time the print would go wrong somewhere in the middle of the print, so each time I had to abort the print. So today I tried a different design for the stand, hoping that I won’t have the same problem as the last print, and as I checked on this design that was printing, it seems that the print looked as if it was printing properly. After checking on the 3D printer, I decided to stop my day and hold my baby chicks for a few minutes. Yesterday I decided to buy 2 baby chicks (they were probably born about 10 days ago). I currently have two chickens, they are about a year old. And since I no longer have Abigail, I decided that I might as well try something different and put a small amount of energy into the chickens. My current two chickens seem to be somewhat happy, but yet at night, they seem either scared or lonely. And one of my chickens seems traumatized and doesn’t like humans (something I can only assume that my half brother did or didn’t do when he was nurturing them before I began to take care of them), as for the other chicken, she seems to like humans and at times I give her some attention. So my hope is that with these two new baby chicks, that I can hopefully change the dynamics of the traumatized chicken. So yes, Yesterday I bought two baby chicks. They are both the Americana breed of chickens, while my current two chickens are Rhode Island Red chickens. So after walking back from checking on the 3D printer, I saw the baby chicks. And I decided to stop for a few minutes and take them out of the cage and hold them for a few minutes. The goal is to get them used to my smell and my body temperature and voice. Thus when they get older they won’t be abrasive with me. So I sat on the couch for about 5 minutes and held them in my hand and leaned them against my chest to feel my warmth and also maybe my heartbeat as I tried to say loving words to them.

Afterwards I put them back in cage and went up stairs to finish getting the things needed for work. When I got to work, my mood still wasn’t one of smiles or care to talk to anyone. As a mater of fact, even at this moment, I am not talking to anyone. I am not outright avoiding anyone, but I am also not walking around the club and saying hi or giving hugs to anyone. If anything, I just kinda want this day to end. I wish I loved this day. It would be a really amazing day with the person I love. I wish I wasn’t feeling so lonely and empty. And I wish that I knew how to get rid of this feeling of unhappiness.

As I think about days of where I (in any form) enjoyed the holidays, it was simply because I was going with friends to go and get drunk. I was young and hadn’t worked on self development yet. And now in my older years, as I really try to guide myself to a better future, I don’t spend time getting drunk like that. Now mind you, it is not like I wouldn’t get drunk like that, I would totally get plastered, but now, I would want people I truly love and that bond with me on the mental level that fills my cup and that makes memories with people that I want to share the rest of my life with. And also those friends from my younger years are now old and either have children and grandchildren and or they have some form of health problems that keep them from getting drunk or being wild. So either way, I just don’t have anyone to share my day with. At least this is what it looks like thru the lens of my mind.

But I am now probably just vomiting too much about a pain that I hope to one day exile from my life and my mind. So since I’m just probably ranting on and on, I’m just gonna end the post here. I wish I had something inspiring to say, or something really interesting for you to ponder on to help you in your own life, but the truth is this… I can do everything humanly possible to try and make a million dollars in the bank, but until I learn to fucking enjoy the true pain of internal transformation, the pain of killing every aspect of my past and current life, until I die to every form of who I was and enjoy the void between who I was and who I am meant to be, I just may never make my dreams come true until I enjoy this transition of transformation, this stripping of what my surroundings (as a child) formed me into. I truly hope I learn how to change. Because currently it truly does feel like a empty wasteland void of human contact.  How can I change what I see in my surroundings? Everything I’ve ever read says that I can’t always change my surroundings but that I can change the way I feel about them. And when it comes to manifestation, everyone seems to say, that I can’t manifest anything positive if  all I do is see and focus on the pain and negativity. Maybe I just need to do some gratitude scripting in my diary. Every deep thinker will say that gratitude scripting is a sure fire way to tamper down or erase the feeling of sadness. And after all these years, I can agree with them, however, sadly it is not always an instant change in feeling.

So I end this thanksgiving night saying thank you for reading this post, and may tomorrow be a better day.

Wish me luck,

Love,

Max.