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I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that he didn’t trust me so much.

—Mother Teresa—

What can I say, it’s the truth, If you have ever tried to accomplish something. Anything…..Anything larger than you ever thought was possible. If you ever decided to have “self belief” that you WILL get what you want from life. If you ever tried and failed. and still tried and still failed, and constantly failed to the point where you felt like life was kicking you in the face. And with all those kicks and no matter the pain, and regardless of how many times you got knocked down you still kept getting up and still kept telling yourself that you must somehow move forward, and that you must somehow not give up. And finally after a million and one times, after that last hit that knocked you unconscious for a few seconds…. you wake up welted with lumps all over your face and on your knees and blood dripping from your face…. Somewhere after that last kick, that last kick that made you go lights out, you can’t help but to wonder, you can’t help but to ask yourself….. Is it worth it? Is it still worth me still trying? is it really truly worth trying? Is it really worth me getting back up and trying one more time?

Date: Thursday 09/24/20

Time: 9:58 PM

Place: The club in the ATX

Song playing as I begin this post…. Lost In The Fire by Gesaffelstein /The Weekend

Max here on a Thursday night. The club???? Who gives a fuck. Really and truly I don’t know how tonight’s post will end. I really don’t. There’s just too much emotions flowing thru my veins. These last few weeks have had me in a terrible tail spin…. wait let me rephrase that….. These last few months have had me fighting for every damn smile that I could muster, it’s just that fucking bad. It’s all just been adding up and as of tonight, It’s actually really hard for me to write and say something that will either help myself or someone that reads this post.

As of lately I have had way too many days where I just feel lost. Too many days where life has told me NO more than it has told me yes. And not only that but it has left me like emotionally lost and emotionally empty. Like I know what I am supposed to do, and I know what the goal is…..(20 Million in 20 years) But somehow I feel as if I am losing purpose. Losing purpose to try, losing purpose to care, losing purpose to find hope. And if there is one thing that I have learned from everything I have read, watched and digested in personal development, is that if you actually lose purpose then you will eventually lose the desire to fight. Without purpose you eventually lose the goal, you lose the ability to see the direction, and most of all if you truly lose purpose, then you lose the ability to get back up and fight another day towards any and all that you have ever wanted in life.

And FUCK! (pause for a few moments)….. I can’t let that happen to me. I just can’t allow myself to lose purpose. It’s just fucking mentally/emotionally tough right now…..Somehow, It’s just one of those times in my life where getting kicked in the face and punched to the ground by life is just starting to feel like too much. I don’t know, it just feels like too much. I just don’t know if I can handle it anymore. I just don’t think that I can take it anymore. It just hurts that bad.

If the words written within this blog is to one day help someone achieve their own level of success, their own level of greatness, their own level of accomplishments then I can only hope that by someone seeing me fall to my knees and still beg from within myself to please get back up and fight and push and hopefully still be able to dig thru all the pain to hopefully find faith to continue, I can only hope that the words within this particular post will one day give someone their own ability to get back up and push forward in life when everything in front of them has told them NO and knocked them straight teeth less.

Oddly enough when it comes to self inflicted emotional pain, I have cried more times this month than I have ever cried in my entire life. And I’m a hood guy. I was born and bred from the caldron of “ghetto”. And ghetto men from the hood don’t cry. It’s just that simple. It’s just not in our natural nature. And I have asked myself a million times “why?” “Why must this life of mine be so hard?” “Why must I endure such trials and tribulations?” “Why must I hurt so bad?”. Maybe for some people you might think that this train of thought is normal. (To constantly ask “why” “why me”)… But no BITCH it’s not normal. I am someone that uses the pains of my life to fuel the determination within me to move forward in life. I am someone that If I am told that I can’t have something or maybe they say that something or someone is not meant for me in life, then I am the first to work my ass off to prove them wrong and attain the goal (no matter the circumstances and even if the goal was something that was not in my best interest) the point…. Don’t tell me that I can’t have or deserve something because I will push against you and life until I prove you wrong. There is a popular quote that helps to explain how I normally feel…. “Don’t say why me, instead say try me”

Remember for those that have read my blog, life initially dealt me a shitty hand. So all I really have left is to push with ever fiber in my body to reinvent and change a shit hand into an amazing fucking beautiful outstanding hand.

But yea, I’m not gonna lie. Lately it’s been tough. Like really unbearably tough. I woke up yesterday not feeling a purpose for being alive. It was a weird feeling. My emotions woke me up. Sadly my emotions have been doing that lately for at least the last 2 months. And after waking up I instantly did the one thing that I am not supposed to do, I looked at my phone. And in doing so, I saw that my worker Eddie texted me and was almost to my house to begin today’s task…. And oddly enough, the first thought that came to my mind was….”Why? What for?” And that was the oddest feeling. The feeling of it not serving any purpose to have someone work for me, the feeling of it not serving any purpose to even get out of bed. The feeling of it not serving any purpose to even care about any of my goals. And for some reason that exact moment in time actually served no purpose. Why was I even alive?

And as I mentioned and I cant reinforce this any deeper, if there is one thing that I know, it’s that the moment a human being loses feeling of purpose in and or for life, then you literally begin to start pulling apart the thread from the fabric of belief that holds all your dreams together. And when that happens, if your not careful, then one by one, one tiny thread, one tiny belief and dream at a time, each of them will begin to unlatch and fall to the wayside. This I CANNOT let happen to me. I MUST find hope where there is none. I MUST find belief where belief does not exist. I must find success where emptiness exists. I must somehow keep moving even when hopelessness and constant failure has chained me to the ground. I must see beyond this pain, I must create my future that I have always dreamed of. But ……. How just do I find it?

Life literally has me knocked down. I haven’t cared to go to the gym. I haven’t cared to prioritize things in my life. I haven’t cared to meditate, I haven’t cared to eat healthy. I just haven’t cared to see the good in anything in my life.

let’s get back to me waking up to Eddie on his way to the house… I thought about how purposeless my life felt, and I was mentally fighting to find purpose. I swear it was just the oddest feeling. I wasn’t winning, but I also wasn’t trying to give up either. When Eddie got there, I got him started on that day’s project and I told him that I was going back to bed. I don’t normally do that. I have no need to go back to an empty bed especially when it’s just my body that fills the sheets. So because of that, once I am up, I don’t normally go back to bed, But now when I think about it, when I was young, I remember the times in my life when I was feeling either super hurt, or lost, or just feeling as if I have failed in life. Whenever I felt those emotions all I did was go back to bed and hope that sleep would help. And in truth I was really hoping that when I woke up that all the pain and sorrow in my life would somehow magically disappear. But sadly it never did. It was never any different than before I went to sleep.

So I talked with Eddie then I laid back down for a while. I can’t remember how long, but after a while I got back up and told myself to try and do something…. It literally took me 2 hours to shower and change clothes! I almost laugh as I think about that now. WOW! 2 hours to shower and change clothes. WTF is that! Normally it takes me about 45minutes to do all of that.

About an hour or so after I was dressed, John my electrician came by the house to do some work. And by the end of the day when they were both done, I looked at the job they did, And as odd as this sounds, I stared at it for a moment and said to myself…. “wow, that looks really nice. That’s exactly what I envisioned”. I had john put some LED lights around the master bath mirror and I also had him put some lights above the sink area in the master bath. And like I said, the oddest part of everything is this……At the end of the day when all of the day’s work was completed, I could see that things were moving in the right direction….. But odd as it sounds, as I stared at the work that John and Eddie did, and as much as I liked/loved it, as much as it was closer to the end goal that I wanted for my personal bathroom….. In the end, I just didn’t give a shit. I just didn’t care about any of it. It literally just meant nothing to me. For some reason, I just didn’t give a shit about any of the work that they did. It was a painful and surreal moment for me. It hurts me so deeply as I think about it now.

I even told this to John. I explained to him where I am mentally, and I am sure that he could easily see it in my face and in my demeanor from the way I carried myself to my speech pattern.. I felt bad telling him that I didn’t care about the work that he did. But I tried to explain that it didn’t come from a place where I felt his work was worthless or unacceptable. Shit, in all reality, the bathroom is now even closer to being completed. It looks beautiful. But the emotion still remains…. I just don’t care. It all seems to mean nothing and serves a purpose to no one, not even myself.

And so somehow, if there is anything that I must do and tell myself, is to remember to care, to remember to find purpose. Search for that shit Max. Search for it! Search for purpose! (God I beg of you, please show me whispers of love)

So have I completely given up? Luckily no. Although, I’m not gonna lie, it sure as hell feels like I have and or it feels pretty fucking close, but luckily I still have at least a faint heartbeat. Just one slow barely audible heartbeat. I know that I must have at least this happening, otherwise I probably wouldn’t even be writing this post.

So despite my pain, have I done anything lately towards any of my goals? Maybe, I don’t know, I just don’t feel as if I have, And truthfully if I have, then it just hasn’t been much. but somewhere within me, I have to hope that “not much” is at least better than nothing at all. Lets make a list. Hopefully this will be useful to me in the future.

1. I at least went to the gym once a week. (it might only be for 20 minutes but I at least made it)
2. I hired a therapist to help me with this rock bottom place I am at. (not sure if that’s going to work but its worth a try)
3. Work is still getting done at my house… the goal is a 100% completed home to enjoy.
4. I finally bought a projector for the projector wall
5. I got a chromecast for the projector
6. I wrote in my gratitude journal at least once in the past three weeks
7. I finally ate a salad yesterday. ( I have eaten unhealthy more times lately than I have in the past 6 months)
8. Within the last two weeks, I called two different guys about possibly getting help to build the 20plex. Sadly it didn’t go anywhere, but sooner or later, if I can call enough people, ask for enough help, somehow, someway I will find someone to help me build it.
9. and above all.. as within the last 2 or 3 weeks, I finally began classes to get my private pilots license.

In a previous post, I wrote the current things that I expect to experience in life and flying planes just happens to be one of those things. So have I completely given up on life? No. But damn, all the emptiness in my life is just killing me, I’m so close the edge it’s ridiculous. It echoes and reverberates in everything I see and feel around me, You can easily read one of my recent previous posts to see how I feel and what it’s like for me to go home after work, or just at any time of the day. I even pray to God on a daily basis. like 10 to 20 times a day. Many years ago I used to pray for him to fix things in my life, but as of late, I have decided that I don’t really “need” for him to “fix things”. It’s my job to try, it’s my job to put in the elbow grease to my dreams. (although I do have a caveat to that statement of elbow grease). But, instead of me asking him to fix things, I now ask him to give me strength, to give me wisdom. give me strength to endure, wisdom to understand and make better decisions, and I’m not going to lie, as of late, more times than I want, I beg for him to take the pain away…. And as for that caveat… Well as with all humans that believe in a power greater than themselves, I decided to try and broker a deal with God. I won’t say exactly what the details of the deal are, but I will say this…. If God gives me what I ask, then I have made a promise that will take me a lifetime to truly fulfill. And truth be told, I will happily work the rest of my life to fulfill that promise. (Hopefully God is listening)

So in the end how is Max? Max is currently mentally fucked! He is currently Fucked Beyond All Recognition. He is lost. He is sad. He can’t believe how he got here, He is so deep in depression that he is on hand and knees, He is fucking bleeding, he is just struggling to not give up. All this is mental but as any person knows…. What the mind believes the body will think is reality. This shit cannot happen. I just don’t yet know how to flip the script on my mind, I don’t yet know how to change perspectives. I just don’t know how to make myself feel better. Maybe that’s why I hired a therapist to help me.

But you know…. As much as I have not yet fully given up, And as much as life just keeps pushing back and keeping me lonely in life, at some point, maybe, just maybe I also just have to give in to the universe. Maybe I just have to give in and allow the universe to do its own work/it’s own magic. As much as I want to create every moment of my life, create every smile and every fun moment that I expect to have in my life, maybe I just have to let life do it’s own thing, maybe I just have to give in, regardless of whether or not I like the outcome. People over my lifetime have told me in multiple ways…. They would say “Max you can’t push to have everything in life your way, sometimes you just have to be ok with defeat, you have to be ok with not winning all the games you play “You have to be ok with being ok.(And right now, shit hurts so bad, that I just don’t know how to do that)

For me, I have known defeat all my life. I refuse to go thru the rest of my life not learning new ways to fight for every god damn thing that I believe that I deserve. As a young child I was an introvert. As a young man I was an introvert and very self conscious about myself. As an adult I was a semi introvert and still very self conscious. And now in my older years I refuse to allow myself to stay that way for the rest of my life. If there is one thing that my beautiful Taurus friend Angie has taught me is that in certain aspects of life, is that people (in general) want someone with “true confidence” about life and about the things they want in life, and that people, all people, at some point in life, must fold and give in to the words “time and patience”

Maybe part of what has me on my knees is that I don’t believe that I have time or even time for patience.

And I don’t know if I can ever be comfortable with the word “patience”. I only have one life and I have a shit ton of things yet to accomplish, so patience is not really a part of my vocabulary. As a matter of fact the word patience reminds me of the term “shit sandwich”. It’s just something that I just don’t care to have anymore. But maybe…. just maybe my friend Angie might be right. Maybe I need patience. Maybe that’s what I need, maybe that’s what I need to realize, that’s what I somehow need to embrace, but FUCK!!!! I just don’t know how. It’s just not part of how I am built. I don’t know how anymore, all of this is just so emotionally tough.

I thank you Angie, my beautiful Taurus, for teaching me that I must be confident, It’s a quality that I hope to one day master, but maybe for now I have taken it too far, maybe I have taken it too far because now it just hurts. Maybe I have become too confident and bitten off more than I can chew in life. Maybe I do need to be more patient in and with life. But if this is true, then I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to make that happen. I can’t help to constantly tell myself… I only have this life to make my dreams come true. I only get one chance in my life to make every damn dream of mine to become a vivid reality.

And so I don’t know if it’s true that God won’t give me anything that I can’t handle, but right now….. I just truly wish and hope it is true.

Love,

Max.

Bonus Notes: Is God Talking To Me……

So as of the end of writing this post and proofing of text, I got an out of the blue FB friend request from some random girl in Cuba (We’ll call her Veronica). Normally I would say no to random FB requests but because of my current emotional state, I said to myself…”What do I have to lose” So I accepted Veronica’s request.

Turns out that I work with Veronica’s cousin. And on this very same day of the proofing, Veronica’s cousin (Barbara) saw me very emotional. Barbara then said that maybe me and Veronica could start a long distant relationship that could one day lead to something that I would want. I then told Barbara that the wife in my future won’t have any prior children. I then explained to Barbara that I want to share that first time experience with my future wife and that I won’t be able to share that first time experience if the woman already has a child. But I did tell Barbara that I would be more than happy to be friends with Veronica.

And so somewhere between my short texts and Veronica and Barbara texting, Veronica got the impression that I was unhappy that she is texting me and that I was unhappy that she has a child…. Funny part is that things couldn’t be farther from the truth. So I explained to Veronica in cliff notes style everything that I am currently going thru and the loneliness that has plagued me. As well as the things I want to experience with my future wife.

Veronica’s response emotionally floored me. Here’s the excerpts from the texts……

Had me wonder….. Is God talking to me?

It Fucking Hurts (Hold On Loosely)

Maxwell Stone.