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“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.”

—Proverbs—

In life we constantly get lost in emotions, negative and random thoughts, and even lost in our own feelings. And if we are not careful with the movement of our thoughts, then, as Joe Dispenza said and I paraphrase… Those thoughts, those emotions create space in our daily life and from there they easily become our habits, and then without knowing they become our personality, and then that…. becomes our life. So the idea is this…. Faith, trust, and belief, how can we use these tools, these hacks to create an amazing day regardless of what our surroundings try to tell us or push upon us.

Today’s date: Friday 01/31/2020 (Although for me it is still Thursday)

The time: 1:38am

The Place: The club in the ATX

Max here,

Many times when I write, it is so easy to write about the negativity of my journey, but it is also important to also take time to write about the nuggets of positivity in my life,  and to show how I can be positive in spite of what my senses are trying to tell me. Today has not been a great day, but today has also not been a bad day. For the most part today has been quite bland. But sometimes bland is important. It’s important because that’s when you know that something is quietly brewing. Almost like the calm before the storm.

I went to bed last night about 3am this morning (Thursday Morning). And Sadly, last night (Wednesday night) was almost a repeat of Tuesday.  The goal is for every Tuesday and Wednesday to get to the gym before and or by noon, but these last two days, I didn’t get to the gym until almost 7pm. Usually this isn’t bad…. until you know that I am also desperately trying to begin my wind down (turn down) time at 6pm. so I can be in bed by 10pm

So what happens if I get to the gym at 7pm?….. Well, then I don’t get home until 8pm or 9pm. And if I am hungry then I will make something small or large to eat, and then I will need about 3 hours for my body to digest the food and wind down, otherwise I don’t sleep well. So long story short… I’m not hitting my gym target yet. And yes, it upsets me to be missing my target. But as every student should eventually learn, sometimes you gotta let things go that have already moved into your past and also things that you can’t currently change. And instead, I must focus on the positive things that have occurred and plan for the future events.

So let’s talk about positive things….. wait one more negative thing…..Damn bank overdraft fees. I promised myself to work on not getting anymore overdraft fees. And this week I got 5, count that 5 overdraft fees in a row! I even went and wrote down on paper how much I was spending in the bank account, so that I would NOT catch any overdraft fees. (Or at least I thought I was properly keeping track) This shit upsets me to no end! I must fucking learn how to properly manage my bank account with the spending. Super fucking upsetting.

Ok, other than that, which is REALLY upsetting. But other than that, the week has not been too bad. There has been some progress at the 4plex, (it cost more than I wanted to get some work done) however progress at the apartment is still progress at the apartment, even if it costed a little more than I wanted to pay. And Bob also came to my house this week and helped me do more organizing at home. This thing about Bob helping me is a blessing in disguise. Without knowing, it is so deeply important for my personal surroundings to be organized. If I can’t be organized at home, then how can I get my finances organized, how can I get a business model properly created. This MUST MUST become a staple of how I live. Organized!

Also, if I haven’t mentioned it, I have a dog named named Abigail, she looks like a lab, but over 12 years ago she was just a puppy roaming the street of where I live. And so now as she has aged, and for the last month or 2, she has been limping in one leg. Sometimes it looks like some days are worse than others. And I have been wanting to take her to the vet, but I have been afraid of the bill from the vet. But a couple of weeks ago I gave in and took her to the vet. It cost almost $200 to have the vet look at her and do an X-ray on her leg. Sadly he couldn’t tell me anything definitive. This is a local vet. So yesterday I decided to take her to a larger animal hospital. And Those x-rays looked a lot better but also cost me almost $400. the doctor at that animal hospital was trying to get me to spend over $1300’s for x-rays, medicine and other stuff. But, what I wanted was for them to tell me definitively why she was limping. And sadly after the x-ray’s the doctor still could NOT tell me definitively why she was limping nor could he definitively tell me which leg and exactly where the pain in her leg is coming from. Instead he said that she has arthritis in her back legs…. but here is the funny part…. She is limping on her front leg, not her back leg. So the plan is to begin giving her NMN, and to contact a friend of mine who is a nurse, and she if she knows anyone that can read X-rays. And see if an X-ray tech can shed some light on things. and if that doesn’t work then I will need to find a different vet that can tell me definitively why she is limping. And I know that old age plagues all mammals, however, things like arthritis can now be abated and slowly reversed to controllable levels. And I am not talking about steroids that just numb the pain. Instead I am talking about stem cells. Work in progress.

So a couple of good things about this week is that I made it to the gym twice this week. Sadly it’s not as often as I would really want, but it is progress. And more than that, I went to the gym twice each week for the last two weeks. Again, more progress. As for the progress at the 4plex (the apartment that is being remodeled), Hector came this Monday and finished a window install and texturing one of the rooms, I also had Eddie go to the apartment and recces a set of cabinets into the wall. Sadly Eddie did not do the header (support beam) proper the first time, (which costs labor and materials) but luckily he got it right the second time. And in the future, he should not make that mistake again. And I must admit, the cabinets look nice recessed into the wall.

So all in all, maybe the week has not as good as I wanted, with the vet costs and not getting the info that I needed in order to really help Abigail, nor was it nice having 5 overdrafts in my bank account, nor was it nice to have to pay twice for supplies and labor to have Eddie do something that he should have done right the first time. But on the plus side, there is at least movement forward. It might be like a caterpillar walking on a sidewalk in a rainstorm, but it’s better than Hector not working and better than Eddie not working, and better than Bob not helping me. The biggest drawback is having money to pay these people and still pay the IRS their money. Remember I need to come up with over $3000 a month in taxes every month, for the next 3 months. This is a deep challenge to pay all my bills and still try to have work done on the apartment…. And for me, the goal is that once it is completed, that unit will fetch me $1000 a month. Something that can really really help me pay my taxes.

What else has been happening in my life??? Well, I am still trying to eat healthy, still trying to cement the ways to live to 200, that’s right 200 years old. If I’m gonna moon shot something, then I might as well go big! It might sound far fetched or crazy, but when you get to know me, and those that know me the best….. they all know that I am crazy and far fetched, but that it is also the far fetched person in me that has allowed me to rise above my circumstances. As for health, I have decided to listen to more videos that talk about the “blue zones” the more that I can learn what those people in the blue zones do, then the more that I can apply that to my own life. And I must say, it has been a journey. Just to try and re-frame my thinking about food. It has been hard, and I assume that it will always be hard, because for me, an American, and especially where I live, in the poor side of San Antonio Texas, there is a McDonald’s or unhealthy Mexican restaurant at literally almost every corner. And as the infamous Gorilla gardener Ron Finley once said… “I live in a food dessert!” Vegetables and organic veggies are not common in anyplace in my community, especially the Mexican restaurants. Their idea of a salad is less than an ounce of iceberg lettuce with two slices of tomato. Instead, fried food, tortillas, bread, and different forms of sugar and sugary products from chips to donuts and everything in between is the so called “food of choice” for people in my community. And I can’t be mad at them, the city has yet to make laws to force business’ to sell healthier food to the people in my community. But so yes, I have been eating healthier, I am not on autopilot yet, and last Monday I cheated really bad with a very delicious deep dish pan pizza from Domino’s. But overall, the gym and the healthier eating has made a difference, for example, my friend Anthony met me at the gym on Wednesday night so we could go to my house and talk about music, and the first thing he said when he saw me was….”Hey, I can tell that you have been working out, you look pumped” And over the last week or two, I have had people tell me that I look thinner. So overall this is a good sign. Sadly the weight loss is still super slow and I have still not yet lost the tiny fat around my waist. Now…. To most Americans, I will look fit, but I am not looking for the “fit” look, instead I am looking for the shredded look. I want my abs to be pristine, and this I have not had for over 20 years. Remember I am so close to being 50 years old. I must ensure that I get the discipline to have a great body by the time I am fifty. And if I can get shredded and healthy now, then when I hit 50, then I can be free to relax a little and to hold the so called “fit” look much easier as I age. But this requires me to reprogram my mind. I would like to think that I am retraining my mind, but in today’s times, I am not looking to retrain, I am looking to completely uninstall and reprogram my thoughts, views and habits that I have cultivated about food for over 20 years.

Being poor and now having a little money has allowed me to eat things that I thought was only for the rich…..ie: pizza, big sandwiches, desserts, all you can eat buffets, sodas and Gatorades etc. You get the picture….I know, those foods probably sound like poor people food, but when you are dirt poor, pizza is a luxury, big sandwiches, or even just sandwiches is a luxury let alone Gatorade and all you can eat buffets. But now with a little money I have eaten like a farm factory cow. And eating like that has made me unhealthy and made the inside of my body unhealthy and also put some weight around my waist. But the progress….. That is now changing. Secretly, I look forward to my friend Anthony seeing me get healthy (especially at my age) and it be something that he will eventually want to do with his own life. That would be amazing! Infecting people in a positive way so that it inspires them to become a better version of themselves. Totally what I enjoy.

There are still pitfalls and things that I must work on…. my situation here at the club, it still does not feel stable.  I can’t trust that I will be allowed to work here. I have never truly felt stable at work. The money I make depends on several factors, those things being, the specific night or nights that I work, the overall emotional health of the club (girls and employees), the time of the year, and of course…. does my boss feel that I am doing the basic requirements that he deems worthy of me keeping a job There is another really big factor, but I can’t get into details as I still work here. And so work lately has been on my mind, another pitfall is how I MUST learn to get organized. My lack of organization is what currently hinders me from seeing ways to juggle more things. I truly think that the more organized I can become, then the more that I can find ways to get small things in my life on auto pilot. The more that things are on auto pilot then the more that I can do the things in life that I truly enjoy.

Speaking of things that I enjoy…. Music a true love of mine… About two months ago, I told Anthony that I wanted to get with him and several other DJ’s and artists for a sit down dinner. The goal for me is to still find ways to stay attached to the music scene and those that have hunger for doing music. And in my mind, if I can connect DJ’s and artists together then there is a possibility that something positive can grow from it, and for me, if I can find a way to spark growth amongst them, then somewhere down the line, when I am actually ready to dedicate time to music, then someone will be willing to help me find my ways to attain what I want in music.

So lets close this post with the quote from the start of today’s writing…. Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly. The idea is for me in this quote to always remember that around the corner of my toughest times will be the moment that will allow me to grow and become closer to the life that I am meant to have. and if I can remember this then my tough days just won’t be all that bad emotionally.

Funny how life is really all about perspective. Finding the blessing in disguise should be taught in school.

Wish me luck,

Max.