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Chronicle log….. Feb 19.  Officially my B-day. Where am I tonight?….work. Now if you have read the last few posts then you can tell that lately things have been a bit tumultuous for me. Many things have not been going as planned, but then again….. maybe I just haven’t been properly planning things. And I don’t just mean events, but also mindsets. I am coming to learn the deep importance for a strong mind. A deep need for self belief. And even though you may read this, there is just something that I just can’t convey in words about how much, and at least for me, how the deep need for self belief is the linchpin to “going after your dreams”. To go from rags to riches, to me was unknown, and now as I seek things that I have only heard of, I can tell that I am going to have to change nearly every facet of who I am. And when I say nearly everything, I truly mean literally everything about who I believed myself to be. Before when I stepped on this journey I knew that things would have to change, I knew that things would be tough, but that is also before much of the knowledge that I am now embarking upon. And in those times I couldn’t really understand the depth of change and how it reverberates literally through every part of my life. For so long on this journey, there has been so many lonely times. I heard it said before that it would be lonely, the journey that is. And for me it has been sobering truth. For me, the loneliness has been deafening. After almost 5 years I am just now becoming ok with this emptiness.

Actually I probably shouldn’t call it emptiness, but for now, the journey is a constant changing pivot that makes me feel alone at almost every turn. I have to on a daily basis, and many times on a moment to moment basis work on remembering reasons….. reasons why I have the internal fortitude to muster energy, mindset, strategy, psychology and anything else needed to get the fuck out of the ghetto. There are days that are easier than others. Funny thing is, I can only guess that it is this way with about every person on this planet. For example, I read a book by Ray Dalio called “Ray Dalio’s Principles”.  And even this guy, a billionaire, a philanthropist, a truly successful person, in his book says that he has struggles, even daily struggles. He said that he has learned that those that can go from struggle to struggle without losing motivation (to paraphrase) are the ones that typically tend to be the most successful in life. And so for me I must be very aware of every moment of my emotions and how to keep them at their peak loving and creative levels. This has been a challenge and from what I am learning will always be. Maybe its just that caveman part of my brain trying to keep me alive and not knowing that I no longer live in a cave.

I can remember a couple of days ago, while on my way to work, I was in a bad mood. Changes at work, along with my real estate going slower than molasses in winter….. So I was on my way to work and listening to one of my books, and I was mentally trying to tell myself that I could shake the bad mood, all the while listening to the book. At the same time I was looking for any type of cues that could help my mood. And funny thing…. I can remember my brain going from bad mood to good mood then back to bad mood, then back to good mood, all  within the span of just a few minutes. It was things the book said along with me looking for ways to mentally feel better. It was me, literally catching myself and my mood and working on trying to stay on point with a positive mindset. This is something that was never taught to me. It may have been told to me once or twice during my younger life, but being told something and being shown how to change something is two totally different things.

So I have been thinking today to what may have been contributing to my funky moods…..And after much thought, I noticed that for sometime, that I have not been religious with my gratitude journal. And I have also been writing less in my personal journal. As I ponder these thoughts, I get the feeling that what has been lacking is that sense of gratitude in my life. It’s like the elixir to bad moods. Plus I have not been properly positioning my daily tasks for small wins. And even as of this moment, I just have not been disciplined in doing my nightly wins. Man…… talk about fucking things up.  You know, recently, as I said that I struggle to get out of bed, I have been thinking that I needed to meditate more, so I would try and meditate to get my energy to jump out of bed, and although I think there is some truth to that way of thinking, I can see now that my real problem is multi faceted. It’s a mix. And it’s this complex mix, of just enough of this and just enough of that…… that makes for the right kind of porridge to properly create the much needed unconscious habit that will let me stay strong minded more than weak minded.

So tonight,  before this writing, not only did I do my todo list but I also did my gratitude journal and I also wrote in my personal journal.

Let’s hope that sooner than later that I can get the right mix of this and that, to allow me to move from struggle to struggle without losing motivation. I don’t have much time left on this planet and a legacy still needs to be made.

Love,

Max.