This post is also available in: Español (Spanish)
“We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”
-Barack Obama-
It’s been over a year since I have disappeared from my blog. But what has happened to me, where am I? and who am I today?
I am not even sure how to answer those above questions or even where to begin. A-lot has happened, like I truly mean A-LOT has happened, but the quandary still remains, has anything actually changed? Have I moved the dial forward? Has my life truly gotten better? Am I in any recognizable way closer to my millions? Have you ever asked yourself those questions or tried to notice things like that in your own life?…. You do so much, you try so hard, you work day after day trying to make noticeable changes in your life, and trying to make a real difference, at least a small dent in the wall that stands between you and your dreams, and yet when you finally stop to look around, you notice that the days have passed by so fast. Where did they go? And what in your life has truly changed or gotten better? Has your home gotten bigger, your car become more luxurious, your bank account now with a 7 digit figure, your skin become younger, your life finally resemble perfect movie magic, has the sun become prettier, or does the moon now shine brighter? Without skipping a heartbeat, I will say this about life……The struggle is real.
Date: Thursday night into Friday morning (Thursday November 9, 2023)
Time: 11:28pm
Location: The club in the ATX
Song playing – Baddadan Feat. IRAH, Flowdan, Trigga and Takura by Chase & Status and Bou
Let’s try starting with today and then take you back to where I left my thoughts over a year ago.
I came into work today in a 100 percent non perfect mood, Today’s weather forecast for my motorcycle ride to work was and is dark and rainy, with the temperature to drop from 74 degrees Fahrenheit to 59 degrees Fahrenheit. On my way to work, I had to take a uber to the edge of San Antonio. At the edge of the city is the motorcycle dealership that does all of my oil changes on my bike. (Yesterday my motorcycle was getting its scheduled oil change maintenance), and after picking up my motorcycle, I then took a quick detour to the chiropractor. I have been having a really nagging dull pain in my neck for quite some time. I tell myself that it is just stress and compounded by the constant rides to work on my motorcycle that is causing my neck pain. But truth be told, I just don’t know what is actually causing this neck pain. It’s never been like this when I was younger.
After the chiropractor did his magic, I got back on the motorcycle and traveled the hour and 20 minutes up the highway on my way to work in the dark rainy night. Traffic was heavy and didn’t help my mood, so I opened up Youtube and listened to some TD Jakes, I found a sermon about “crushing”. It’s the idea of how grapes go thru a crushing to become something that lasts much longer than the life it would have had as a grape, and how once the grapes are turned into wine, those grapes, now wine, is now much more valuable as wine than it ever was a a grape. Crushing, a change necessary to become the best version of yourself. So yea, listened to some TD Jakes on my way to work, and as I grew closer to work, I saw that I was going to arrive early, like almost an hour early, and so I decided to stop at a Starbucks and do some writing in my diary. Again, this is me looking for ways to purge negativity from my brain, to find ways to remember that life is still beautiful and amazing. And most of all to ensure that I can walk into work in a good mood rather than carrying so much negative baggage from the outside.
So I stopped at a Starbucks off of a road named “Slaughter Lane”. As I went inside, I looked around the room, and I could tell that this Starbucks tends to get customers that are not of great education. But that was unimportant to me, or at least mostly unimportant to me. Instead it was just something worth mentally noting. Remember I come from straight hood poverty and in hood poverty you get used to looking at everything and everyone around you, just to ensure that your surroundings are not too dangerous. And for me, after many years of learning the teaching of personal development, I realized that our surroundings are many times also deeply impactful to our thoughts and emotions. Your surroundings can make you feel better or make you feel worse. (and my thoughts and emotions needed a recharge of positivity before I got to work).
So I walked up to an empty table and put my helmet and backpack on the table. Then walked to the cashier and ordered a large decaffeinated hot tea. Then when I got back to the table, I took off multiple layers of rain gear, and layers of motorcycle armor. I then sat and opened up my diary and also looked for something on my phone to listen to while I did my writing. After about 10 minutes of writing I noticed that my mind/soul began to shift. A shift that no longer wanted writing. Instead I began watching a movie called “Avengers – Endgame”. about 20 minutes into the movie, I noticed the time on my watch, it was getting late, so I began to gather my things and re-armored my body with the motorcycle gear, then layered the rain gear and continued the dark rainy drive to work.
What got me to decide to write on the blog today? Honestly I’m not 100 percent certain. Over the last 12 months, I have felt myself feel a small pull, maybe a tug of some sorts, or maybe a desire, maybe it’s more like a whisper telling me that it is time for me to write again, Idk, but somehow I kept feeling to scared to just jump in and start writing again. I swear, the stupid shit our mind does to us. Somehow I just didn’t have that inside push needed for me to actually put digital pen to digital paper.
Later when I got to work, I walked into a stripclub nightlife of more empty tables and chairs than customers in the room. Mind you, I have seen this type of image many times for now close to 30 years. (Gosh 30 years, is that really what I have done with my life. SMH) And when I saw all the empty chairs and tables, I could instantly feel sense of “winter, holidays and Christmas”. The winter and holiday season is notoriously the slowest part of the year in the strip club industry. November thru January are when customers usually use their expendable money to buy gifts and pay for holiday gatherings and holiday retreats with their family……. So yea, empty tables and chairs. I instantly felt the internal chill of winter. I then walked to the DJ booth and found the day DJ in his normal drunken state. He will say that he is not always drunk and he will more than likely say that he is “NOT drunk” but truth be told, he is drunk roughly way more than he is willing to acknowledge….. But I will say this about this super cool awesome DJ…….when you need a great, fun time, with alcohol and talks about sex or other creative outside the box thoughts of life and or anything that peaks your personal curiosity, he is definitely 100 percent the one to go to. He is a super awesome caring and loving guy. And I love him dearly. As I watch him drink or talk on the mic, I sometimes see and and remember those days, the days of when I spent more time at work being drunk, than working on my dreams and goals. I know that at some point in his life, my beautiful friend will also finally have moments of deep personal introspection and thoughts about what he has been doing with his time here in the club and it will be up to him to decide if all the drinking is really worth doing at work or if it is secretly stealing the amazing moments, and meaningful memories from his future self.
So I walked into the dj booth, and slowly took off all the layers of rain gear and protective motorcycle armor. then I walked to the kitchen, (where my friend David died – I love you David, Long live Star Trek) heated some water to make some coffee and watched more of the movie “Avengers – Endgame”. It still wasn’t quite time for me to get on the mic and I didn’t want to use my precious time being around meaningless alcoholic conversations and cigarette smoke. Now don’t get things twisted…. when I am drunk, I truly LOVE, and I mean this…. I truly love meaningless stupid conversations, but I wasn’t drunk and I still needed to get myself into a positive mood, you know… For me, it really is all about that process of how to build onto the exterior areas of my mind, that positive amor to protect me from any negativity that the night might produce. After about 10 minutes, it was now time to get back to the booth, and begin my shift.
And I don’t know exactly where it started, but somewhere as I began working, I decided to go into my backpack and pull out my diary, and something in me could feel myself being pulled to wanting to write, but not with physical pen and paper, but more of a different type of writing, maybe as if I am writing to someone…. I don’t know….. maybe I was being pulled to write this post to you.
So what has been happening in my life since my last post….
Well on my previous post, I had 6 things that I wrote about
- Love
- The corner property project
- The 12 plex
- Transportation
- Work
- Health
Let’s start with Love…. As that is kinda the foundation of life for many humans. Without it we really seem to struggle for a meaning to life. So love…….
- In my last post, concerning Love this is what I last wrote………..
- “so yea, Love….. it’s a doozy, it’s chained me mentally, it’s both beautiful and painful. And I have come out of it more understanding, more knowledgeable in actually how to give love, about how to have a lasting relationship, and most of all, I am better at understanding what a relationship takes to be successful, And yes, painfully, after all that, I still feel empty, which is why this week I called Klarisana and scheduled a ketamine session. I MUST not let myself ever fall into depression again. And as of late, with the woman I love gone from the house, I can once again feel how empty and silent that damn house is again. And I truly wish that I could say that I enjoy a quiet home. But in reality I am human. I like heartbeat. I like having a home that has life to it. A home should have some silence, but it should also have some noise and ruckus. And now once again my home (albeit that the house is still in the construction phase) sadly the home is as quiet as a morgue. And for me hearing the silence literally just rips me up from the inside. I sadly hate that constant silence with a passion. One day my house will be alive. Promise to myself.”
Now fast forward those above words into the future, one year later, where am I now since my last post? well, Damn! It’s the oddest thing to say, but I am no where, and I am everywhere. I am still lonely, but the above excerpt from my last post still holds true. I am a better person now. I honestly know “how to love” better. I know with clearer clarity of what I seek when searching for my team mate in this vast swimming pool we call life. And since that writing in October of 2022. I took her (the woman I love) with me to Mexico City. It was me, the woman I love, and our mutual friend Lanette. During that trip to Mexico City, my goal was to complete the final details necessary to obtain my visa to visit my family on the island and to also spend time showing the woman I love more places than just the few small cities that she has seen in Texas. While in Mexico City, I asked my tour guide to setup several small adventures for us. Something to give a memory to our life. So during our time in Mexico City, one of our adventures was a long car ride, over an hour to the outside of Mexico City to a small town, It was a place of our Ancestors, It is a very small rural town called “San Martin De Los Pyramides” The people there are very beautiful humble people, and the grocery stores are typically the size of a small bedroom and the income for the small town comes from farmers and tourists that frequent the ancient ritual sites. These farmers are cactus farmers. (Who would have ever thought about planting and cultivating rows and rows of cactus as something to farm? Who farms cactus? Well, I definitely got a great reminder about part of my ancestry, and why I also enjoy eating cactus.
But I digress, We didn’t go to San Martin to see acres of cactus farms, albeit, for this city boy, it was an interesting site to see. Instead, I wanted to show the woman I love something as ancient as the first papyrus writings of the bible, I wanted her to see and touch parts of her history that she didn’t “truly know”…. We went to the Pyramids of Teotihuacan . But as I learned on my previous trip to Mexico City, the pyramids look the most amazing when in a hot air balloon while the sun slowly rises into the sky. It somehow magically casts such beautiful shadows over the pyramids of our ancestors. To say the least, it really does look enchanting. We arrived in San Martin very early in the morning, it was about 6 in the morning and the sun had not yet crested over the land. And so I wanted her to experience something that will always be an endearing memory, and that will always feel surreal, so I took her on a hot air balloon over the pyramids. She had never been in a hot air balloon. And her photos of the event will always look like a dream or something from a movie. It’s something that hood people never think about doing. Who from the hood ever goes on hot air balloon rides? Well….. I do. This nigger writing to you goes on hot air balloons. And in my humble hood opinion, most niggas in the hood don’t even think hot air balloons still exist. Lol
You see, hood people don’t do things like that. They don’t take hot air balloons, or go skydiving, or go scuba diving, nor do they travel to other countries. It’s super hard to think outside the box when you are trapped in an area where the mindset of the people holds you hostage to a small tiny life. Hot air balloons and things like that are not things that is taught to us, so for her to take a hot air balloon will take time for her to really grasp and see the beauty of it. It will take for her to randomly see a photo of our travels to and over the pyramids. She will then secretly ask herself…. “Was that really me? And most of…. Is that my life?”. For the photos of amazing things is something that we hood people only see in the movies. Things we always wished would happen to us, but never really think could actually happen to us.
But yea, during that trip, I told her how we would probably not talk to each other in the future. I made it clear to her that she was not really “trying” to have a relationship with me. And that if she truly wanted me in her life, that she would need to decide in her own mind that she was going to put in 100 percent effort to show me that she truly cares. And currently, Instead, she would put minimal effort into our relationship and I have just become worn from always feeling empty, feeling like my emotional cup was empty. And some time after the Mexico City trip, towards the end, we met up a couple of times, and she even used the words…. “I know I am only being there when it’s convenient (As in convenient for her)….” And she was at least finally being truthful with herself and with me. But when I really looked as deep as possible into the relationship, what I saw was that she was “choosing” to be convenient. And she was choosing to be convenient only because those are the types of relationships that she saw as a child. We can rarely ever do something that we have never seen. Her life in her toddler years, it is what shaped her views of connectivity. It was what her parents and surroundings taught her. She has never truly seen a long lasting relationship that was loving and where two people were there for one another. That vision was void from her childhood. She may have seen a great relationship in passing, as in she heard of people that have been married 40 years, or maybe she might have briefly met a couple that was truly dedicated to each other in a loving way, but to truly spend time around people that are dedicated to a loving connecting relationship that builds each other up?…. Well, from everything I saw, that just wasn’t in her life. Instead her father taught her how to be and love the idea of “playboy”. I recently realized how deep words matter. And I noticed that when someone loves “playboy”, that they are actually buying into the idea that monogamy is non existent. Because in reality, if you truly believe in monogamy are you going to love the idea of being a playboy, or being associated with “playboy”? This woman I love has a license plate with the playboy emblem and she wears a lanyard around her neck that says playboy. And in truth these two things are very small, almost insignificant in the scheme of life and how someone dresses or items they buy or use or accessorize in their life, But if you dive into a human mind, the true human psyche of how someone thinks…. Many people value their car (she is no exception) and what we always wear we typically enjoy. It is an extension of how we express the thoughts of our inner mind and how we think about ourselves and our surroundings. So for her, and without me knowing, she was showing me her views of relationships and I just didn’t notice it. Her views are that there is no monogamy. And yet as she showed me that thru the license plate and the lanyard, she would also verbally, talk about and try to talk as if she truly does want monogamy. And truth be told, after deep conversations with her about everything, and combined with everything I have seen from her, I can now see that she truly does want monogamy, she truly does want that dream life, that dream life of one partner that is there for you, the partner that never leaves your side, that loves you endlessly, that as we say in the hood…. is you ride or die.
But you see her father and her surroundings showed her everything EXCEPT monogamy. As for me, when I was young I also thought that “playboy” was cool. But now as I have spent a lot of time trying to understand teammate, wife, husband, life partner, monogamy, the deeper meaning of what it takes to truly have someone there by your side, and all that it takes internally and emotionally to truly be there for someone, I have currently come to believe that albeit “playboy” is an iconic symbol and something that got sensationalized in America and around the world, the reality is that the idea of “playboy” does not support true monogamy. Hence, if you want true monogamy, then there are somethings that you just don’t do to ensure that you are truly dedicated to only one life partner.
But I digress, and I could write a whole novel about the thoughts of monogamy and the events of the Mexico City trip, and all that happened with her and I since that trip, but instead, I think its best to just know, that as of this writing, I am not dating anyone, and she is in her own way, living her own happiest life possible. I send her love, I truly wish the very best for her. and yes as of this moment, I still have much love for her. and you never know how the universe chooses which leaf will first fall from a tree. Maybe she will be in my life again. Maybe she won’t ever be in my life again. Remember, you can NEVER change anyone But instead, you can only be the example for someone. And I hope that in life, that I have left her better than I found her. That hopefully, I showed her love that she will one day understand. That one day she will truly understand and finally cherish the love that I gave to her. She is an amazingly beautiful soul, and she has dreams, dreams that I truly hope that she accomplishes. This planet deserves to have another beautiful woman from the hood show the world that it doesn’t matter where you come from, but instead, that life is what you are willing change to create the very best version of yourself.
But like almost all people from the hood, (myself included) she also carries the backpack of pain from all the shit that her parents saw and did in life. All those bad habits, all the pain, all the horror, all the things that her parents never believed were possible for themselves. She now carries these very same thoughts as if they were her own. All the negative “I am’s”. All those things are now twisted into the dreams of what she could become. Shit like that makes life very confusing. I know this because I am still pulling back those layers of my own life. Each day trying to work on unplugging all the negative “I am’s” in my own life. As for the woman I love, I truly hope that I was able to give an opening to a small window for her to see that there is true love in life, and that there is love that is meaningful, caring, and that there are people that truly believe in you and that will truly stand by you. And hopefully as time moves forward and she experiences more of life, she will be able to see that I am a soulmate in her life. Maybe or maybe not we will share more sunsets of this lifetime. Again, that is not my choice. Instead, I must remember that I have things of my own to accomplish during this lifetime. And one of them is to have children and find that someone to share this thing called life with me.
So my search for someone to find me attractive, find me worthy of their time, worthy of their goals and dreams, and for me to also find them attractive, and worthy of my time, and worthy of my goals and dreams… is something I still have yet to find. But I am not giving up. I’m still a believer. It is definitely hard, or at least it feels almost impossible, currently life still feels lonely and many times cold, empty and painful. But at some point that will change. It has to. God will not leave me void of making my dreams a reality.
Speaking of love. Someone of very deep importance, a female. A female that I love deeply, and has been a part of my life died this year. Her name is Abigail. She was super awesome, and in my stupidness, just like a person from poverty, for many years I lacked the knowledge of how I should have shown her love. Abigail is my dog. She is the only woman that has put up with me for 16 years. When I found Abigail, she was all of maybe 2 or 3 months old. She was a mutt. She was born in the hood and unfortunately died in the hood. she was one of about 6 other babies. I have no clue who her mom or dad was. She and her brother and sisters were just more random dogs running around in the neighborhood. And when I found her, I didn’t want her. I wasn’t ready for a dog. I wasn’t ready for the work needed to care for a dog. But I guess life doesn’t always allow you to “be ready” instead sometimes life forces you to realize “ready”. At some point, if you ever want to know more about Abigail. I will be happy to tell you. She was everything I wish I could be…… “pure love”.
I love you Abigail. I thank you for all the years of your life. I thank you for putting up with all the times that I didn’t know how to show you love. I thank you for being a protector. I thank you for needing love from me. And most of all I thank you for being you. You are beautiful and I truly hope to see you again. I hope to have a second chance to give you love. To love you better, and to show you how special you are and how much I appreciate your beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing this lifetime with me. You are beautiful. I love you!
So yea….. I want to say “I loved her”, but in reality, whether she is alive or dead…. I love her. That’s just the truth.
I did ayahuasca a few days after she died. and man……. I had so much anger and pain within me when she died. I cried so much during ayahuasca. Even now as I write these words, my eyes have tears in them. I love you Abigial. Thank you for giving your life to me as caretaker. It means the world to me.
About a month before Abigail left this planet, I had scheduled to do a session of ayahuasca. A beautiful friend of mine named Mario had once told me that he would like to experience ayahuasca, so I had done some communications with my shaman and set things up for me and Mario to do a ceremony together. Little did I know at that time that Abigail was going to die several days before the ayahuasca ceremony. That night at the ceremony, I cried so much during ayahuasca. I cried to the point that during the ceremony, I went to the shaman for a “healing” it’s a time during the ceremony where the shaman will give 100 percent attention to you and only you. And he helps you on any specific emotions or feelings that are troubling you in life. I felt so deep in pain, that I went for a healing and I cried so much as he was giving me a healing. I can’t believe how much my soul hurt to see her leave. to never touch her, hug her or give her love. Ugh!!! it was just so painful. And in the end of the healing with the shaman, he told me of how shamans view pets that are family members. He said….”our belief is that our pets are stronger and more powerful in the afterlife. That they stand beside you at all times throughout your life. That they never leave your side. They are there for you giving you power and strength. And for some reason with his words and acts of healing, I was able to imagine Abigail as this large elegant powerful dog with large wings, capable of not just love, but of strength and power. Just beautiful. Maybe it’s what I always saw in her and of her, but I just could never put it into words.
sigh…. I miss her. I love you Abigail. So let’s round out this section of love…..
As a human, I love, I know so much more about love, I know so much more about the proper way to “give” love. I can honestly feel that I am now truly “ready” for love. ready to give in a way that is called “love”, ready to properly receive love. and during all those other past moments in my life, I may have loved and I am 100 percent sure that I craved and desired love and truly “tried” to give love….. But I just didn’t have the tools to know “how” to love, or how see the love I needed. And worse, I didn’t know how to properly give love nor how to see what “type” of love someone needed. Am I now a master with love? Nope! Not even close to a master at love. I still have so much to learn, so much to practice. I still have yet to properly give myself the love that I personally need for that fragile inner self of mine. Yep, inner self is so much different than just the self. But we can talk about that another day. So I will end out this section with a quote. In the dj booth I have a small, old 7 inch Amazon kindle fire. I bought it for about 25 dollars from a lady in the hood that needed the money as badly as my mom did when I was a young boy. I gladly gave that woman $25. So I have this kindle fire in the booth, and I use it for one thing, and only one thing. On it I have about 1650 photos of quotes and thoughts. Quotes and thoughts of motivation, belief, love, manifestation, and things I want in and from the future me. And so I leave this section with a quote from one of those photos. This quote is by someone named Knight Fall on Twitter. It says this……..
“Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past, not to punish you, but instead to understand how you need to be loved”
Just a beautiful thought of real love. Ok, Let’s move to the corner property
2) Corner Property……. From my last post, when writing about the corner property, I wrote
2) “Next on the list of things happening is the corner property with Richard. Things seem to be moving along steadily now. On my last post, things were about to get ready to pour the concrete slab, and since then, the concrete has been poured and cured and the framing of the home has begun”
Well, since that above statement from my last post, the deal with Richard is now complete, or at least mostly complete. The houses have been built and sold. I wish I could say that I have enjoyed the whole process. But in reality, I have learned so many things that I will NEVER do again. I learned so many mistakes that I have made. My time with Richard is still not complete. I need his help to ensure that I get a loan to build my 12 apartments. Currently I am not ready to really talk about all the events of how things have played out. There is so much, that I must really take time to look at and try to lovingly digest. I know how I currently feel about things, and before I cement words about the events, I must ensure that I truly look at all the things that felt painful about the situation from a standpoint of wisdom. What could I have done differently? What should I have agreed to and what should I have not agreed to? In life some things are unavoidable. That’s just an unfortunate fact of life. The crystal ball that we use to see our future sadly is not always as clear as we want. Smudges on the glass can easily make something look much different than it really is. And for many people, it usually takes some form of hindsight and quiet reflection to realize how to use our crystal ball to better see our future. And this is so true when I do another joint venture with someone says the following words “trust me” and will also say the words “I don’t like partnerships”.
3) The 12 plex….. Well I have not given up on it! I am currently trying to get over the hump… The hump for me is the ability for someone to lend me the money to build the damn thing. Then there is now also the challenge to ensure that I have the license to build the 4plex. The challenge is two fold. On one hand, I “almost” have enough money in the bank for a lender to lend me money to build the apartments, but at the same time I also need “builds”, that is to say, that the entity that will lend me money will want to “see” that I have built 4 or more structures, and as of current writing, I technically have 2 houses that I can say that I have built and sold. And this is where Richard plays a vital role. I need Richard’s help on the “builds”. And Richard has said that he will help me, but Richard is also very busy with his own life, and he is very limited on how he will help me. As of the last time I spoke with Richard, I was telling him about the two mortgage brokers that are willing to help me get the loan. One lender can move things around to ensure that I get the loan, but it will come at a cost of 10% of the loan (not including all his normal fees for doing the loan), and it will also cost a painful 16 to 18% interest rate from the bank for the amount of the loan. The other broker said that he will give me a letter for the bank (to inform that bank that once the apartments are built that it will be turned into a mortgage) and that he will also personally walk me to the bank that he uses to ensure that I get the loan. However the catch is that it must be in writing and signed by a lawyer that Richard will be the builder for the apartments.
This puts me between a rock and a hard place because Richard is someone that already feels or expresses that he does not really enjoy stretching himself out for people. and the first mortgage broker is giving me rates that are more expensive than a loan shark. Either way, I’m fucked and will proverbially get fucked in the ass on either choice I make. I can only hope that Richard will be able to help me and that I can be able to get the lower priced loan with the second mortgage broker. But only time and effort will tell how things play out. Then there is the part of the actual development of the land. In order for me to build the 12 apartments, I must split the land into three pieces. Which in many ways is really fucking simple….. It is so simple, that all it takes is money! Yep, just simple money allows ANYONE to develop land. And just how much does it cost to develop land in Texas? Well, I’m happy that you asked. Currently for me to split roughly .5 of an acre into 3 pieces currently costs about $17,000. And keep in mind that is just to have it written and documented on municipal paper that the land is split into 3 pieces. That’s some fucking expensive paperwork! In reality, you can’t see the $17,000 difference on the land itself, and if you physically looked at the land, you couldn’t tell that I am shitting so much money. Instead if you saw the land, you would probably say that I should cut the grass to make the land look better. And by the way, the proper term for splitting the land into multiple pieces is called “platting”. So after I finish platting the land, it will be ready for me to finally start the actual process to begin building my first 4 apartments. and at the same time, once the “platting” is complete, the land will still look the exact the same as before I spent the $17,000. Ugh. This is what rich people call “land development” but to me, it looks more like city extortion to use your own land. SMH
Then once I pay the $17,000 to develop the land, I will then need about $15,000 or more to have the engineer provide me with the actual building design for the first 4 apartments. And please keep in mind that this still has NOTHING to do with the money that I will need from the bank to actually physically build the first 4 apartments. The question is this…. Can a man, born in poverty with only one parent, and born from a a mother with only a six grade education, can this man taught from ignorance, have the true ability and fortitude to create and build something that will be worth more than half a million dollars? Is it possible for me to find and create something that I have never seen from anyone of my childhood?
My only answer is this…….
I Can, I Will, I MUST!
Things seem to now be getting late, and I will have to continue writing at another date and time. The updates on work, transportation and health will be for another post. I can see that I have written quite a bit already. And the night is coming to an end. So on my next post look to hear updates on my transportation, work, and health.
Until our next rendezvous, wish me luck.
Love,
Max.
Beyond the blog.
As of recent, I have 3 people that I have known for well over a decade, and recently each one has texted me but I have not responded to their texts. It wasn’t until just recently that I have been ready to respond to their texts, and I didn’t want to try and write biblical long paragraphs on text, so I decided to make it easy for them, and just put it here for them to read when they have time.
Notes for Steph, Mario, and Crystal, written in no particular order.
Dear Mario, I love you brother and I thank you for texting me. As you read the responses to Steph and Crystal, you will notice something similar. That I am lucky to have the 3 of you in my life. What was I doing when you texted me? Lately I have been internally fighting with myself. Constantly working to find belief.
Dear Steph, I love you and also thank you for even thinking about me during your busy life. How you ever have time to care and wonder about me when you have two young girls reaching for your attention and a super busy job where you have to carry the weight of the lives of so many people that you help is something that only express how lucky I am to have you in my life.
Dear Crystal. What can I say amor. The things that life has thrown our way, how cannot I not love you. and that photo of you, Asia and Danni is the bomb! I love it. How quickly time flys. She is as beautiful as you. I miss you and just wish I could be drunk not caring about problems in life.
How have I been? I have been better, but I have also definitely been worse. I am extremely thankful that each of you find me worthy of texting me. But why did I not respond? The truth?….. I just don’t want to vomit on people that I love. I highly respect each of you too much. I don’t want to text you all my problems. Each of you don’t deserve that, instead each of you deserve love, joy, and laughter from a friend. And I currently am deeply trying to remind myself daily that I got this, that life is beautiful, that I have friends, that I have a future that is truly attainable. Idk, I can only assume that each of you go thru the same problems or have problems that are hundreds of times worse and harder than mine. And why on earth would I want to dump more words of pain or negativity into your own life when you have enough personal weight to carry on your shoulders. Instead I find it more important to tell each of you that I love you, to also tell each of you that each of you have played a very important role in my life, and that each of you still play a very important role currently and for my future, and that I hope that in some way, as we move into the future, that I will be able to give back all the love and time, and positive words and hugs that each of you have given to me.
I can say this with the deepest of love, that if I am skillful enough to manifest my goals and dreams, it will be because of people like the 3 of you that still find me worth texting, that don’t give up on me, that find me worth thinking about, and that find me worth being part of your life. I love each of you. I hope that one day I am able to show each of you the love and care that you have each shown me.
And so I leave each of you with the following quote. For me the following emotion that these words evoke is something that each of you do for me…..
“Real friends don’t dampen your light. They help you find the light in the darkness”
–Jay Shetty–
I love you guys, Thank You.
1 Comment
Hello my friend! I wish to say that this post is amazing, nice written and include almost all significant infos. I’d like to see more posts like this.