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When you make a decision to forgive it’s a decision that you have to make intellectually.

-T.D. Jakes-

Funny thing about forgiveness, If you can’t learn to forgive yourself, then it begs the question, can you truly ever forgive anyone else. And an even deeper thought… you are never “really” forgiving anyone… rather maybe, you are just allowing your ego to forgive itself for the decisions of your own actions… Just my opinion.

Today’s Date: December 27, 2021

Today’s Time: 12:56am

Location: The club in the ATX.

Song playing at this moment: Therapy by Armin Van Burren

This post will be written over several days…..

Today (when I came to work it was Sunday) but now it’s Monday morning, and work feels comfortable. Maybe it’s because the normal manager isn’t here. (thank god) or maybe it’s because I was able to get some sleep (also thank god) or maybe because after a different manager last night made comments to how they will in some way or form whether directly or indirectly soon clamp down on my tips which made me deeply remember that my current “job” doesn’t really truly care about me. Either way, today feels like a good day. I feel better on the inside today. And there is a lot that probably is a reason for my feeling this way today.

A lot has happened since my last post. So much that I am debating between writing and working on my FB posts from my recent trip. Whenever I go on a trip I do a ton of small video snippets and I then later post them on FB. On this recent trip I was able to visit the motherland and saw some pyramids (which somehow felt internally connective) I also did a hot air balloon ride, which was oddly really enjoyable. (more than I thought would ever be) Maybe doing a hot air balloon over some pyramids really helps to enhance the experience. Not sure, but either way the trip was an over all very positive experience.

Today is now January 2, 2022. Happy New Year everyone!

So what has been going on in Max’s life lately. Well, The contract with me and Ricard is now signed in ink and that puts into play a lot of wheels that will hopefully move me to the future that I have been dreaming of. This also means that a lot of work on my end MUST now begin. I visited the consulate in my motherland to hopefully visit the island of my fatherland. My Truck is slowly getting work done. I finished my fourth ayahuasca. I finally told the woman I love to never contact me again (sadly with a caveat) I’ve still been working on the personal development with books and videos. Sadly I haven’t been to the gym in over a month. I also haven’t been to Muay Thai in over a month. I’m still lonely. Oddly enough a few days ago, I have a feeling come over me that allowed me to feel that I no longer hate my life the way I used to. I still don’t yet like my life, but at the same time I don’t hate it as bad as I used to ….. Rather, I just really don’t like my job. kinda hate it actually. There’s a few more things, but damn, this should be good enough for this post.

Let’s begin.

So it’s finally 2022. What does that mean? Will this actually be the beginning of me being able to set myself free from this first half (or if I am lucky enough to live a very long time…. This first quarter) of my life? My only answer to that question is…. I can, I will, I must! Also, Sadly I have not done any video diaries in a long time. I think when I get home in the morning that I am going to do a video diary. I MUST get this year on a positive regimen. Over these last 45 days, things have been one big hustle. If I have never mentioned about Christmas and work, then allow me to paint a small picture of what it’s like every Christmas over the last 5 years (maybe longer)… for me here at the club, I work with about 80 girls. I don’t work with all the girls on any given night, but over the span of my days during this last year, I have worked with a consistent 80 girls. And every year around Christmas time, I make Christmas stockings for the girls and stuff them with candy and a card and then hang it on their lockers. and I also buy a Christmas gift for every girl as well as write a personal note for connection between me and each girl. And this year I also gave the woman I deeply care about a muliti layered Christmas gift. and not to mention that I also have my dealings with Richard and I must make sure that I get proficient in my dealings with him. In getting the girls Xmas ready this year was luckily a little easier than years past. I have now had several years of practice with preparing these stockings and gifts with the girls. And not to mention that Bob was a big help in this process. Which reminds me, I still need to get Bobs Christmas present. (Sadly I have been so busy with all these things with the girls and the girl that I care about, that I was not able to get Bobs present ready before Christmas) Although….. I already know what I am getting Bob. You see, recently I helped Bob to attain one of the goals that he wanted in his life….

Wait before I continue on this thread with Bob, lemme back up for a moment… Some months back, I asked Bob if he had any goals for his life, and oddly enough Bob couldn’t think of one goal for his life. You see, people like me and Bob, that come from poverty and spend most of our life just working, we never take time to think and cultivate things that we want from and for our life. And instead, we get conditioned by our surroundings to accept whatever life serves to us. In the beginning we try to fight it, but after time, it becomes so daunting that most people just typically give in and accept whatever happens to them. Now… before I go too far on a tangent, Let’s get back to Bob,…. I recently asked Bob, about goals for his life. You know, Like things that he want’s to experience before he dies. And it was so odd to hear that Bob was completely befuddled by that question. He didn’t even know how to think about the question. So in the end I told him that by the next time he came back to work that I want him to have at least 3 things written down that he would want to experience by the time he dies. And when he came back he had 3 small things that he wanted to experience. (I’ll leave those for another post) but after a few weeks he added a fourth thing to his list, And that fourth thing was to visit the tallest building in San Antonio. and oddly enough it’s a place that I frequent several times a year. It’s actually a place that I like to go and have a few drinks and watch the sunset over San Antonio. It’s so amazing how me and Bob both come from poverty, but yet his ability to dream big somehow got stunted and now in his older years, it’s on his experience list to  experience at least once in his lifetime something that I experience on a regular basis. So to make a long story short, I am going to buy him a gift card to the restaurant that is located at the tallest building in San Antonio. I will tell him to take his son’s. I truly believe that the sooner that his sons are able to experience things that they have never seen, then the sooner that they will have the ability to find and create new goals in their life. so yeah…. gotta get that gift card for Bob.

Painfully, this Christmas thing has really caused me to be very untimely with many things, not to mention me going out of the country to my motherland. Although I actually really enjoyed the trip. I typically don’t like to travel alone. Life just seems so much better with someone next to you. But somehow my tour guide was able to make it feel “not so lonely” And I gotta say, I had that tour guide for about 15 hours each day that I was there. LoL. That’s actually a lot. And in the end, like I mentioned…. I really enjoyed the trip.

So now what’s happening with Richard and the real estate? Well, after many weeks and after finally visiting with Richard’s lawyer to discuss the contract, And after finding my own lawyer to look over the contract, I gotta say, me and Richard finally came to an agreement, and the contract as now signed. We will be tearing down the structure on one of my properties  and he will build 2 houses and sell them, I will get $200k from the deal and Richard will get the remainder…. With a caveat…. In the contract I also agree that I will pay Richard a total of $150k. Some part of that $150k will come from the sale of the two houses but the remainder will be when I build the 12 apartments. And this is where everything gets dicey and very multifaceted. For myself, I also must become a General Contractor. I (over the last 2 months went and got an FBI background check and I also got insurance to have a general contractors license. Now all that I must do is to go to the city and fill out the paperwork and then hope that there are not anymore steps involved in the process. Along side that there are also many things that I must do in tandem. I must also get with the guy that is going to lend me money to build my first 2 duplexes. I spoke with him the day after Christmas, and he is a friend of Richard’s and I must now get with a lawyer to make a contract for me and this hard money lender. I also have become an accountability partner to a woman I met that works for the city. Her dream is to become a land developer. Which is striking to me, She wants to become a land developer and I will be developing land (on a very tiny scale) but its still something that will be a natural part of my future, land Development.

Now this thing about me not going to the gym or going to Muay Thai. That’s gotta change. But first I must come up with the money to pay for the Muay Thai classes.

My fourth Ayahuasca. This last Ayahuasca was with a group of people, a total of about 10 in the room. And for some reason, I had a very difficult time focusing on my internal emotions. Something about being able to hear and or know that so many other people are around me just made it difficult to not notice the other vibes and emotions in the room. And oddly enough, it wasn’t until the shaman had ended the ceremony and everyone went to sleep, that’s when the ayahuasca kicked in and I had my own experience. and it’s the kind of experience where it allowed me to get some thinking in. Although I wish it would have happened while he was conducting the ceremony. It would have been so much more impactful and meaningful.

Let’s see, what else is going on…

Whelp, there’s the woman I care deeply for. I just know that she is in someway meant for me. But I MUST allow myself to be ok with things coming together in my next lifetime and not this lifetime. So as Christmas was approaching and I would think about her, I told myself that I must find ways to leave her emotionally better than I found her. And also that I must allow myself to be open to someone that will love me and that I will hopefully be able to love them. So I had thought about what I could do for this woman I care for and to also let her go. And so in the end, I decided that I would get her things that speak to the woman that I see in her. So in the end I bought her the following things…. I bought her 5 books. a book on how to know what toxic people are (I forgot the name at this moment). A book on healing trauma, It’s called “Whole Again”, a book on understanding fucked up parents, its called “children of emotionally immature parents”, a book called “Rich Dad Poor Dad” and the book “The 7 habits of highly effective people” The point of these books is to be able to see what things are toxic to us, and to understand the trauma that each of us goes thru in life and how to grow and heal from it, and also to be able to see how her parents were also lost in life and how they were just doing the best that they knew at that time, and how they themselves have either stopped trying to grow or how they gave in to life and became complacent with their surroundings. And how she must dig deep and find everyway possible to unwrite all the bad behaviors that her parents unknowingly taught her…. Hell, it happens to all of us that come from poverty. There is just so much that we must work on internally to break the chains of poverty. and then finally the other two books are to help her see how successful people think. How they think about money and how they think about themselves and how they develop their successful habits.

I also gave her a digital photo frame with over 1000 positive sayings and quotes. I find this extremely important. The human mind thinks of over 60,000 negative thoughts a day. And if you come from the hood like me, then negative thoughts become the norm. And that “negative norm shit” MUST change. I also gave her a photo frame that said….. “Don’t worry, I have everything under control, signed God. And finally I bought her a website for the business that she secretly wishes she had.  Long story short….. Leave someone emotionally better than you found them.—— I miss her deeply.

In the end, I saw her a few weeks before Christmas. She again needed my help. Help with her car. And like I normally do, I agreed to help her. And in the process she came to my house and I gave her the present and asked her not to open it until a couple of days before Christmas. And luckily she didn’t open them until the day I asked. It made me smile to see that she seemed to really enjoy the presents. Then I saw her about a week after Christmas. And on that day, I really enjoyed spending the day with her, she came down because again something with her car. We took the car to my mechanic and had him fix the car. And at the end of the day, I did what I finally needed to do…. I told her to never contact me again. (with the caveat) that if she ever contacts me that the only words I want to hear is….”I miss you, I love you, I need you – I can live without you, but my life is happier with you”…… And during the week leading up to my final meeting with her, I was having a difficult time in transferring the website into her name, but this week I will finally have that solved and then I will send her a text message asking her to check her email. And in the email will have all the info for her about her website.

Also… I bought a second set of books for my daughter. Sadly my younger life was not one where I knew how to do things very well. Hell, I still don’t know how to do things very well. And my relationship with my daughter has sadly been like many things in my life. But again… Leave someone emotionally better than you found them right?. That’s the mantra. At some point, life will send back all of what I give to it. (fingers’ crossed)  So I also got a second digital frame and I will be having bob give the books and digital photo frame to my daughter this coming week. Success never comes easy. And growing from poverty, whether it’s financial poverty or mental poverty or both, it’s all a challenge that will take so much reprogramming. and worse. If you don’t work on programming yourself, then life will program you, and the end result of life programming you will more than likely end up being something that you really don’t truly enjoy..

It’s now January 14 – 2022

This post is almost complete…

Last couple of things…. My truck is finally getting some tender loving care. As of this writing, the gas tank is now halfway installed and the front brakes are also halfway installed. And the front bumper for my car has now been ordered. Little by little I must make things come together.

Overall a lot has been going on, much of it is now becoming meetings with new people that can help in the design of my future life. And luckily I feel that I am out of what I call the “danger zone” of depression, truth  be told… deep depression is no joke! But, even though I am not depressed in the way that kept me chained to the couch and the bed, to the point where I didn’t care about life, I am not going to lie, something about love. love for certain things. Things that bring us peace and “fill our cup”. There are just a couple of things that still just hurt and work daily at pulling me down. That empty spot in my life, and although, somehow, someway, I know that I am back to a do or die mentality to achieve my financial freedom…. Life is still just a lil empty. Hell, it’s actuallly a lot of empty. Somehow, God MUST help me find that which I seek. Emptiness is not my life. (Pray for me)

So I will leave you with one final quote… And this quote is so poignant, and so whether its doing a business deal with someone to achieve your financial goals or whether its a relationship with a friend or a relationship of intimate love, this quote speaks to the core of all facets of life. And most importantly probably speaks to that emptiness that still murmurs within my soul… Here’s the quote

“If you want to go fast, go alone….If you want to go far, to together”

Wishing you the best,

Max.