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You face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracles

—TD Jakes—

Today’s Date: November 7 – 2021

Time: 9:36PM

Location: The Club In The ATX

Max here,

I’m tired. Just so tired. Like physically tired. My body screams…”I just  want to curl up next to someone I love and go to sleep for 8 hours” But sadly today is just not one of those days. Today is Sunday. And Sunday is my prep day that leads into Monday…. In other words…. From the moment I woke up today, I won’t go to sleep until at least 6pm on Monday. I only have 3 days to work on my dreams, my goals, my future….you know…. the things that will hopefully truly make me happy.

So Let’s dive in deep into what I have been doing and trying to accomplish…..First and foremost… health is number 1… Without my health I can’t get shit done. This is both physical health and mental health. As I sat here and wrote the first couple of sentences of this blog, I had to take a break. Like a break and stop and ask myself…. Why am I so tired? Why am I not energetic? And as I sat quietly and just listened to myself. Listened to the stillness of my body, I could feel myself say….” You haven’t taken a break. You haven’t taken any time to recharge, to relax, to not have to worry about a damn thing.” In other words I need a vacation. But not the kind of vacation where I go to a different city. Nope, I need the vacation where I don’t have to worry about waking up for any specific reason, Vacation where I don’t have to worry about bills, or goals, or dreams. Vacation where I can just mellow out like a marshmallow. I literally can’t remember the last time I did that… Actually wait… I can remember the last time I did that. Last time I enjoyed and not worried about my bills was when I was in Miami with the woman that am so deeply enthralled with. But there is a caveat to that statement…. Although when I was there in Miami with her, I didn’t worry about my bills, but I did wrap myself so much in her life that I made EXTRA time to take care of many of her bills. This thought is just so bitter sweet. On one hand I was relaxed and in heaven, but on the other hand, I was paying too much attention to her bills in ways that I ended up feeling too needy.

Wow….those are thoughts I didn’t really care to remember. Any who my point is that I need some downtime. some downtime to not have a care in the world. Down time to not think about all the bills in my life, or all the shit that has not gotten done or accomplished in my life. Currently I am so wound up about all the money that I have to make and give to bill collectors and debtors and things that need finishing that damn… I just spend too much time in a negative space and “flight or fight” state.

So my body…. yea, its just tired, my brain… mentally beat. But I’m not giving up. I must find a way out of this. A way to accomplish this. A way to travel from where I was to where I expect to be.

So since my last post a few things have happened…. Things like Ayahuasca, The truck now in the shop, a court date for my freeloading tenant. the tub is now installed, and massages. and as of late… a trip to LA is planned as well as another ayahuasca in the works.

Let’s expand…. What I like as I think about recent events is that there has finally been some sense of movement in my life.  Not yet to the degree that allows me to feel breathing room, but instead it’s the movement that shows me that the current list of bills are finally about to get some attention. And also deeply important is my mental health. My mental health must also get attention. And progression that shows that at some point things that seem like they won’t budge will finally start to have cracks…. cracks that will lead to breaks and breaks that will lead to movement.

So lets start with things like my truck… The truck is finally in the shop and there are a myriad of things that the truck needs. from a gas tank, to brakes, to electrical issues, to a back 3 inch lift. and a few more. But now that the truck is in the shop, the brakes have been ordered, and the electrical issue has been resolved, and the shop has also ordered the items needed for the gas tank, and so I feel confident, that as long as I can keep a job and keep pumping money into the truck that within a couple of months the truck will be half way completed. But at the same time, I need to take my car in to get a check up. I had a junkyard engine installed into my car and now its time for them to go into the car and tighten bolts and to make sure that everything with the engine is working properly. But so far the car is holding up. (fingers crossed)

As for my mental health…. Well there is the recent advent of me adding ayahuasca into my life. I gotta say…. One word for ayahuasca….. “WOW”. After recently reading the following quote from a Healthline article

“………In one study, 12 people with severe psychological and behavioral issues related to substance abuse participated in a 4-day treatment program that included 2 Ayahuasca ceremonies. At a 6-month follow up, they demonstrated significant improvements in mindfulness, hopefulness, empowerment, and overall quality of life. Plus, self-reported use of tobacco, cocaine, and alcohol significantly declined”

That in itself to me is pretty significant on how it can create a positive change in a persons life. Another study talked about how it helped so many aspects of a persons life.

So I’ve recently made a decision to do 4 ayahuasca’s within  a 8 week block. That would be one ayahuasca every two weeks until I did a total of 4 of them. I just can’t help to feel/believe that it would help to create a significant change in how I see things in my life….. Now speaking of how I see things in my life, how was my ayahuasca? Well to be completely truthful, it was an experience. And fun fact. ketamine in itself was an experience. And after some research, I find (both thru what I’ve read and also by what I have personally experienced) that ketamine and ayahuasca both seem to target the same problems. But what’s different is how they go about interrupting the negative parts of our mind. You see, after my experiences with ketamine and also so after my first experience with ayahuasca, what I have found is that ketamine seems to target the mind like a laser while ayahuasca goes at destroying the negative aspects of the mind in a 360 holistic way.

Allow me to explain… Ketamine will give you the understanding of what it is like to be “consciousness” as in you can’t feel your body. and All you feel is your inner self. As in all you feel is your thoughts. It may be tough to imagine , but that in itself is really amazing and as in a way that allows you to look at life in a much more profound way. It just gives you a much larger respect for life. Which translate into more respect for your own life and all that you do in and for your own life.

Now Ayahuasca, that was a whole different experience but somehow touched all the same aspects but in what I would call a much more spiritual way. now here’s the truth, you don’t have to believe in god or a higher power, but I will say, that after ayahuasca, you just can’t help but to believe that there is something connective to everything around you. And for me…. For me Ayahuasca was what I call a 360 approach to targeting my depression. Ayahuasca “initially” seemed to have nothing to do with the brain, and instead “seemed” to have everything to do with my body and the events of my life. Ayahuasca was long and actually very tiring. By the end of the journey I was tired, tired to the point of where my body just wanted rest. And my mind was in a space of numbness from all the emotions. And my heart was relieved. That was part of the most affecting impact for me. Ayahuasca allowed me to let go of some of the emotional pain that I carry in my body. I know it sounds weird and maybe even unbelievable, but the stress from our mind actually manifests itself in our body. And so ayahuasca was able to tap into all my pain and allow me to experience it and allowed me to release it from my body. For most of the journey my body was in these moments of spasms and in constant twitching. just different parts of my body would spasm for 20 or 30 minutes nonstop.  It’s weird because there was even a time when I would laugh uncontrollably and then go from laughing to crying. Just thinking about it is really deep for me. Afterwards, and even as I was going thru it, I could tell what I was suffering from. I could tell that I was suffering from a broken heart. (but not just as in the woman I love) but much deeper than that. It’s a broken heart from my childhood. It was just a really deep moment for me, and thru the ayahuasca I was able to allow my body and mind to let go of some of the pain. To give the pain back to wherever it came from. I wish I had better words to explain the experience,…. It was long, it was exhausting, it was both beautiful and sad, both unexpected and also relieving to my heart and soul. And in the end I felt better about myself and my life. I can’t explain the exact mechanics of it as to how it allowed me to change the thoughts in my brain. But I will say this, If you take humans back to their tribal days. Days of our ancestral Indians. The Peru Indians, the Aztec Indians, the Indians of Africa and others…. All of them had a shaman, a curandero, a witchdoctor, medicine man, or whatever term that works best for you as a “tribal healer”, and all of them would use some form of ayahuasca to help someone when they were deeply troubled.

So in the end….I give ayahuasca a big thumbs up. I could go deeper into my experience that night, but currently I don’t have the words to explain other than a “deeply meaningful way to release pain in my body” Hopefully after the next ayahuasca I can explain in better terms.

Now back to the day to day things that I have been working to tackle and solve…. There is that freeloading tenant that doesn’t want to leave the apartment. I recently met with my lawyer. And to go to court a second time cost me $2000. And yet that fucking freeloading tenant doesn’t understand that because he can’t manage his own life, that now I have to spend thousands of dollars of my own money to manage his life for him. He has no idea that both his actions and his inactions affect other peoples lives. He can’t be smart enough to understand that he thinks his life is tough, but yet by not paying attention to his own life it radically affects the lives of other people. And for that simple fact, I just might spend money on another lawyer to sue this tenant for my money. If he doesn’t care about his own life then he won’t care if he wrecks his credit for at least 10 years. And worse this guy is almost 40. Without knowing he will have shitty credit almost until he is almost 60 years old. And by that time, he will have to live such a hard life that he probably will give up on trying to make his life better. And why????? All because he chose not to work with people, he chose not to care about people. All because he chose to be selfish. And in the end, as most people already know….. Karma’s a bitch. And I am more than sure bad karma will be a close friend of his.

In the end it is still upsetting about this guy. But fuck it, there is nothing I can do but to let things play out. And I must not let myself focus on those negative things in my life. Instead I must focus on positive things in my life, I must focus on the small positive micro changes of my life. For instance, When I went to pay the lawyer his $2000, within that payment was also a payment for an hour of the lawyers time. I paid the lawyer for an hour of his time. I wanted to learn the newest things about being a property manager, about what I can do to never go thru these problems with this free loading tenant, and to learn about how current laws are changing.

But as much as I wanted to have these types of conversations with the lawyer, none of that happened. don’t get me wrong, we talked about real estate for all of about 2 minutes, but then everything changed. And instead, we spent almost two hours talking about God and life….. My life to be more specific. We also talked about his own life. But the majority was really about me, about my depression, about myself and about God. When I was in his office, he had a picture frame, and in the picture frame was a card, kinda like a post card. And it said…….

“Kris, Don’t worry. I have everything under control.” signed…. God.

And seeing that post card really hit me. It was like God was talking to me. So weird, and then after waiting for the lawyer to print up my receipt, him and I walked from his office and went across the street to a place called HEB Central Market. It’s an upscale grocery store. Much like Whole Foods. We decided to go and get coffee and talk. And its there at HEB Central Market where we sat and had coffee and something small to eat and talked. Again, we talked mostly about my life. But we also touched on his life and what he went thru with his wife having cancer. I can honestly say that spending that money to talk to him was worth it. And it’s funny that I say that. It’s funny because the business man in me can’t justify that money just for a conversation. But the human in me could see the value of creating a relationship with him. In my job, here at the club, I don’t create meaningful relationships very often. And to have this type of conversation with the lawyer was something that I enjoyed. I’ve decided that sometime in the near future that I will meet with him again. And continue our conversation, and also hopefully get some knowledge about how to be a better property manager.

Kris…. Thank you for the time you spent with me.

Max.

So what else is happening in my life? Well as for the 4plex, There is Apt #1 That’s the one with the tub that is taking forever to get installed. And as of this writing, the tub is finally installed and that bathroom is now 80% completed. It’s taken weeks to get that damn thing in. And worse, because I don’t want to pay a lot of money for a drywall guy, I am having to resort to having Eddie do the job. There is a drywall guy that I have used and I liked his prices, but he has been so busy and I have come to the conclusion that I just need to find another way to get it accomplished. And the truth about drywall is that doing drywall work is really easy. Like literally, it’s easy. The hardest part is having a steady hand when doing texture. And so I have made the decision that I will just have Eddie do all of the tape and floating of the drywall, and then I will come back in and do all of the texture. I have only done texturing once before and honestly it was easy, but it was the setup of the materials and the breaking down and cleaning that is arduous and time consuming. The rest is pretty easy. And more so, we are stepping into the main holidays of the year, and very few people move during the holidays. And so for me, I will more than likely have to wait until late January or February to rent any of my apartments. so I’ve already mentally agreed that I will just find a way to make it thru these few months. I’ve made it thru harder months. But I won’t lie. It’s still very difficult and painful. But somehow, someway I MUST win thru these difficult times. So yea, Apt #1 is 80% completed. And in tandem I am also slowly (ever so slowly working on Apt #2) The goal is that hopefully by mid December that Apt #1 will be ready and that I can then focus completely on Apt #2 And then when I go to court in January, that by February I will have that freeloader out of my life and then by June I will have Apt #3 ready, and by July I will have all my apartments ready again. This is sadly just a step by step process. First and foremost, finish Apt #1. It is so close to being ready to rent again. This week Bob will be at Apt #1 doing a lot of the small things that need maintenance. And I will also try to get Eddie out there to complete the last of the sheetrock.

Also there is my deal with Rich. Him and I are now closer to signing a deal to build two houses on my property. That in itself if it does happen, will be a really big step in the right direction for me. Because in tandem I am still working on becoming a General Contractor, which will allow me to build my own apartments. The greatest part is that it will bring me so much closer to being able to leave my night job and actually be able to pursue the life that I have been dreaming of for so long. But even though this could be the best beginning part of my life, it is also going to be the most challenging. Not only will I have to keep my night job, and at the same time also finish 3 apartments and get them rent ready, and at the same time, take care of my mental and physical health, but I will also need to spend a lot of money…. money that I don’t yet have, and also money on the girls for Xmas gifts. Xmas gifts that will take me time to put together, and all at the same time, I MUST mirror Rich and all that he does to build these two houses. I MUST soak in every bit of information that he is willing to bestow upon me. Rich’s goal is to make money from me. And for me, I don’t mind him making his money. But at the same time I must learn every aspect of things that Rich knows in building houses. Like literally everything. And that in itself is challenging because there is only 24 hours in a day. And at some point I gotta sleep. These next 6 months will prove to be a make or break moment for me in my life. And all at the same time I will still be trying to go on dates to meet women. How will I find time for this? I don’t know. Like literally, I truly just don’t know. But somehow I gotta be able to make it happen.

And recently I met a woman from the city. I met her while I was at the city processing paperwork for me and Rich’s project. She works for the city and was reading a book that looked a lot like one that I recently read. And to make a long story short. Her and I became friends. And I even offered to be her accountability partner. Her and I recently met at a burger joint and talked for about 3 hours. And oddly enough the owner of the restaurant was there and he met us and decided to sit with us for about almost 2 of those 3 hours. And the funny part is that God came back up in our conversation. The owner of the burger joint, his name is Mark Outing. And Mark sat and talked about God and business. It was also a weird experience. It was like God was again talking to me. What he was saying? I’m not sure. But it felt like it had something to do with…..”Trust me, just trust me” I swear it was the weirdest feeling. And even earlier that day I had a meeting with my CPA. I paid him to give me a lesson on QuickBooks. I know how to use QuickBooks at the very, and I mean very basic level. And after our QuickBooks session we sat and talked. talked like friends. talked about life. I thanked him for giving me the mental fortitude to try and find a win-win deal with Rich. And even  in that conversation with my CPA. I felt this odd internal feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I guess if I tried to find words for the feeling…. It was like it was me gently tapping into my future life. Friendships with lawyers, CPA’s, people that are stoked about doing land development….. All in all, it’s people that are going after things in life. And somehow, they are in some way or form “givers to life” Even Rich, the guy who wanted all of my property, is trying to find a way to be a giver. Now…. don’t get me wrong, this deal with Rich is still very delicate and can still fall apart at any moment but soon we will be concrete in how we do things when the contract is signed. And from there it will be up to me to be all over Rich’s ass about the process of everything that he is doing. Besides it is 100 percent in his benefit for me to win at building my apartments. It’s in his benefit, because it will be written in the contract that he gets the remainder of his money when I begin building my apartments. So even for Rich, even if he is not naturally a giver….. with this deal he will have to give into some aspects of helping me to ensure that he gets his money. And so for me, my goal in working with people is to find a win-win. The more that I can make these types of deals, then the more that life will work out in my favor.

And so what’s on the horizon for Max? Well here soon I have a trip to Los Angeles. I have a female friend that I have worked with for many years and she has never been to LA. She’s very much an introvert, but I think that she is trying to expand her mind and her surroundings. I personally just need a getaway. LA is not my top spot, but it is at least a small break from the monotony that I am currently engulfed in……

Wish me luck.

Max.