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Every man must do two things

alone; he must do his own

believing and his own dying.”

-Martin Luther-

Ya know, believe it or not, but life itself is something that we each must learn…. we must learn to believe and that dying was already part of the contract of this life….. But just exactly how do we make the best of it….. Now that’s the secret sauce!

Date: July 10- 2021

Time: 12:04 am

Place: The Club in the ATX

Max here.

And the question for tonight…. Where to begin and where is Max mentally? Truthfully, I don’t know. I just really don’t. It feels like forever since I have sat to write and so much has happened but so little has gotten accomplished in my life. Like for real, I just don’t know where to begin. Like I have not written in this blog on any consistent basis, and my life has been such a lost hope that I don’t even know if sometimes its worth living. and when you are that lost, life can feel more than empty. It just feels black, void and cold.

But for the sake of trying to live another day let’s try to get a few thoughts down from keyboard to screen.

How is Max tonight? And How is the club tonight? Welp. It’s Saturday morning here at the club (about 12:15 am) but I got to work and got on the mic on Friday night at 9pm, and there is a descent crowd of people here. You know…. naked bodies and alcohol. Guess you can’t go wrong with that. and as always here at work…..The channel never changes. And compared to last year at this time, things for the club are actually better. And although the club is doing better, now for longer than I can remember, I have still been struggling. And I don’t mean like life is just a struggle. Hell, life is a struggle for everyone. Life was never meant to be a nature walk but I also don’t think that life was meant to be a straight beat down either.

I, Max somehow MUST find some form of light in all my darkness. And since my last post, there are things that I don’t do anymore and other things that I now do. And life typically feels so redundant and empty… Which oddly enough those two words…… redundant and empty together are sometimes the most pain that can be caused for anyone on a mission to success and progress.

So lets begin this shindig…… Where did I last leave off on my last post? Welp, I’m not exactly sure but if I can half ass remember correctly I was doing the ketamine and lost in a deep depression. I was deeply lonely and also deeply in love. I was still drowning in bills and working towards my first million. And now since then, I have done my 7th ketamine treatment. And I can’t say this any clearer for anyone that is going thru depression, I actually recommend ketamine. It takes a few treatments to really see results, but damn. Depression is no joke. Depression is nothing more than a jail sentence. A jail sentence located in a place that no one can see or physically touch. And worse its as silent as a ninja and as smooth as a pocket picker. Depression will creep up on you when you least expect it and will take away everything beautiful regardless of what your eyes and ears can see and hear. And worse, once depression has stolen your joy and robbed you of what you can see and hear, all you are left with is emptiness. You are then left bare and naked and worse, alone and in the dark. That is depression.

But ketamine… well, for me at least, was the candle in the dark that allowed me to see what I couldn’t see and or better yet…. what I forgot.. And to not go into too much detail, simply because there is so much to write, but ketamine allowed me to see what I call the bigger picture. It allowed me to remember that I was zeroed in too deep. Because here’s the facts, life is vast and deep, and when you are deeply depressed you are so zeroed in and focused on one tiny spec of your life that you truly and completely forget everything else around you. And for me, again, at least for me, I was able to look at life from a larger perspective, a larger view. Now truth be told, I am sure that for some people ketamine can become very addicting because it is a hallucinogenic. But for me I don’t want it all the time, I don’t “crave” it. But I do feel that it can be a “tool” and an aid for me.

I am learning that this journey to my first million means that I must cross many economic boundaries and I must redefine many beliefs about life and all that I thought life was about. And worse, I must try to be happy stripping all of who I was and all that I was wearing. For some, shedding skin feels good, but for me, shedding who I was leaves me feeling like I am naked and standing on a Broadway stage alone and naked in front of a crowd only to have them watch what I do next. But now, I must now look at shedding skin as if I am wearing new clothes underneath my old clothes and all I am really doing is taking off the old clothes and showing off the new clothes. Now when it comes to ketamine itself and what exactly do I do and how does it feel when ketamine is running thru my brain? Well, the first 2 or three sessions are like being in a roller coaster. And if you don’t like roller coasters then you are definitely in for a ride of your life. And when I say roller coaster, and for those that want a better visual, let me explain about my first couple of experiences.

This will be a condensed version of my experience and if you really ever want more details about my experience then just contact me thru this site and I will be happy to give better details. or Ask me to write a post completely about my ketamine experiences. So……..For my first session of ketamine, I went to the clinic, the people were nice. They sat me in a small room (about 10ft X6ft) In this room I sat in a very large recliner, In front of me was a TV and a couple of pieces of wall art. Next to me as I sat in the recliner was a blood pressure monitor. I then spoke with a physician assistant for a few minutes and then a different assistant came in and measured my blood pressure and then gave me a shot of ketamine. Now this is where things happen. Some people watch TV while on ketamine. On the TV will be nature scenes or calm things like that. But for me, and at least for me, my depression is in my mind, and not on the TV. So instead I sat in the recliner, with the recliner fully extended and covered myself with a thin blanket. And I also wear some earbuds and I listen to a hours worth of positive affirmations. I put my phone on airplane mode. And after the nurse hits me with the shot I put my earbuds in my ears and put the affirmations on with the volume just loud enough to barely hear it, I cover myself with the blanket, lay back in the recliner, close my eyes and wait for the journey to begin.

Within 1 minute the ketamine starts to run thru my blood and hits my brain. And the feeling of ketamine, as in the “entering” stage is a lot like Neo in the movie “The Matrix” When Neo takes the red pill, he sees his world bend and become liquid. And in a nutshell this is the “feeling” that you initially get with ketamine. And if you are someone that is ALWAYS in control then this will be deeply disturbing for you, because when you are on ketamine, you MUST give up control, you MUST allow it to be the master captain of the boat. If you don’t, then you will probably really freak out and something very terrible can happen because ketamine is in your body and much like a snake bite, you can’t get it out until it run its course. And so during my first two sessions, I had to allow myself to believe that I was in a cockpit of a vehicle and I was strapped in and was just along for the ride. And that ride was to see and experience my life. And when you view it in that manner, you get the most out of ketamine. By my 4th session, I began to see things differently. I began to see life from a macro view and not the micro view. And on one occasion and as odd as this may sound, I oddly enough even felt “birth”. Yeah I felt what it was like to be born, weird right? But remember we all live in our own mind, our own world, and we will NEVER be able to jump all the hurdles to our greatest possibilities until we learn how to transcend our thoughts and emotions and look at life from a different perspective,

Now I am not saying that you NEED ketamine to jump all the hurdles of growth. But for me, as a deep of a state of depression that I was in. And I was in that state because of how deep I dived into self development and how I literally cut out all need for other humans in my life. I literally isolated myself. And when I came out of isolation, it was COVID and it was me seeing that WOW, I am a new person. But a new person with no one around him. And worse, I had met a woman that I deeply fell in love with. And it sadly was and in my belief still is only a one way love. So mix loneliness, a one way love, and a need to jump hurdles to a new life. And do this without any help…. For some this could be easy, but for me…. I needed help. And Ketamine has actually helped. Since my 7th session of ketamine, I am better. Sadly I am not where I need to be. I am still depressed, but not in a way where I constantly don’t care if I live or die. Instead, that grim reaper of death only taps me on my shoulder a few times a week and in my deepest parts of my depression he had his hands on my shoulders 24/7 and just wouldn’t let go. And so now what will I do? Will I still go to ketamine treatments?

Here is how I will answer that question. For anyone that knows about Steve Jobs, he would travel to Asia and did some type of meditative stuff. He too was looking for the higher version of himself. I can only guess he was trying to transcend mentally from the person he was to the person that he was wanting to become and he was probably looking for any clues that could help him understand how to be that better person. And so for me, will I keep doing ketamine? The answer is yes, at least for now. I am thinking of doing it once every 3 or 4 months or maybe just once every six months. Currently I am still fighting this depression and need a way to remember that I must look at life from a macro view. And ketamine can help me with that. So I am going to try and wait about two months before I get my 8th treatment. Then I will try and wait 3 months after that and so on and so forth until I use it once every 6 months. So to sum up ketamine…. Yeah, it has definitely been helpful for me.

So what else has been happening in the life of Max besides loneliness and love? well, this “love” thing really has me twisted in a really bad way. Somehow, and not by my own volition, I have this unaltering belief that this woman is meant to be someone extremely special in my life. Why do I feel this? Well, I could go into details about the intimacies of my beliefs of her and of God, but for me this is a public blog and some parts of my life, I still would like to just keep them private. But please know this. I love this woman. Why? I will leave it up to God. And because of my love for her, that is currently just a one way love, it has created a negative effect on my life. This is something that I must solve. (part of my reason for ketamine) but this woman without knowing has the ability to sway every micro thought and emotion created in my mind. She doesn’t yet know the power of love and what it means when love is given. Needless to say and without going into details…. whenever she texts or calls, my brain somehow will look for ways to drop EVERYTHING I am doing in life and focus only on her needs. Needless to say this is a very bad thing for me to do…… When I drop all of my life and focus on my “one way” love for her and tend to whatever she needs, I abandon my finances, I abandon my real estate, I abandon my dreams, I abandon my goals, I literally abandon everything. And then after what ever little help I give, she goes back to her life and then I must go back to my own life. This is not normally a bad thing. This can actually be a very good thing, but because I am so deep in belief of love with her and it being only a one way feeling, it ends up leaving me to feel very empty.

Now luckily since the ketamine treatments and all the talks and help from the few friends that I have, I have begun to look for ways to find new ways to look at love and hopefully find a cure for this belief of mine.

Now that we got the loneliness, love and ketamine out of the way, What else is happening in the life of Max? Well as I mentioned in the last blog, I now do personal video diaries, and I randomly write in my journal, and sadly I don’t write in my gratitude journal, and I don’t write in my small wins diary.

But what’s going on in the real estate? What’s going on with the people that work for Max? What is Max doing to get to his millions, and to the amazing life that he has prophesized? Well I am glad that you asked.

Now a days I am going to the gym 2 days a week. And I know it doesn’t sound like much but 2 days is way better than before where I went maybe one time every 3 months. And to make things better, I bicycle ride almost 6 miles to the gym, then I work out for about 30 minutes (sometimes more) and then bike ride the almost 6 miles back home. and above that because one of my goals is to live to 200 (assuming I can either find real love and or get myself out of this depression) the goal is to live to 200. Will I make it happen and is it even possible to live that long? idk. But what I do know is that if I don’t at least try, then I know for sure it will never happen. Nothing ever ventured is always 100% nothing ever gained. I must at least try. And so beyond going to the gym, I am trying to redefine my eating habits and I am also restructuring my health supplements list. Currently I take the following supplements daily. I take NMN, creatine, and collagen. Those I drink in a water bottle. The NMN is for longevity, the creatine is for my bones and muscles, and the collagen is for my skin and internal vessels. I also take about 10 other vitamins. I can’t remember them all but some of them are cod fish oil, boron, turmeric, chlorophyll, niacin, MSM and some proprietary blend for testosterone. Now how old is Max you might wonder? Well Max at the time of this writing is a 49 year old male. And I have spent the last 10 years with at least once a week, and I mean every week for the last 10 years, staying awake for 24 to 31 hours straight once a week for over 10 years. And sadly this eventually causes havoc on the human body. Especially the testosterone in my body. Because as I have learned about the brain and the body is that the brain is where testosterone is created. And sadly the body needs about 7 hours of sleep in order to flush out all the toxins in the brain that is created by being awake. And when the body flushes all the old fluids in the brain with new fluids, it has time to replenish the body with new testosterone. And sadly testosterone plays a MAJOR role for a male my age. Especially with all the things that I still want to achieve in life. So yea… sleep, this is also something that I am trying to work on. Because here’s my current challenge…. I work 4 nights a week in a club, and then I must turn around and work 3 DAYS a week on my real estate and my life. So my body for over 20 years has had to adapt to a night life and also a day life. and this has caused severe damage to my body’s internal clock. My sleep patterns are all over the place and I rarely sleep a long time. My normal sleep on average (if I don’t work on changing my life) will always be about 4 hours a night. And as I mentioned the body needs a minimum of 7 hours to flush the brain with new fluids. So something else I have done for my health is to look for ways to focus on getting better sleep. I now own a Oura ring (in conjunction with my fitbit). The Oura ring is specifically made to monitor my sleep. It sits on my left pointing finger. Thru my phone I can see exactly how I slept the night before. It will tell me the good and bad about the sleep that I had. And for me this is important. It is important because I need to find ways to constantly remind myself about things that are important in my life. (And truthfully, almost everything is becoming fucking important) And so to round up this health section, I am also trying to redefine my eating habits. My eating habits have been a life long struggle. Its been a life long struggle because when I was young, I was so poor that there literally was almost never any food in the fridge. For the truly poor people, consistent food is a luxury. and healthy food is a goldmine. But now I make enough money to feed myself to death. Like literally feed myself to death. I also now randomly monitor my blood sugar and also check to see if I am ever in ketosis.

But back to the food habits… I am not yet perfect at this, but I work very hard at not eating anything that has been “processed” and when I say processed I mean…. anything that has been squished or folded more than 4 times. I don’t drink milk of any kind (unless its breastmilk. some find it a  nasty thing for an adult to drink human breast milk, and if you are one of those people then you should research the health benefits of breastmilk compared to pasteurized organic cow milk) but yea I don’t drink milk of any kind. I don’t drink juices. I almost never eat fruit, I don’t eat bread, breaded food, fried food, packaged sauces, etc. Now let me be clear, as I said, I am not yet perfect on this, on small and I mean very small occasions I still have a tiny amount of milk, maybe in a coffee or something like that. So I still sadly eat some of these unhealthy foods, but they are more of a rarity and not the norm. The majority of my meals currently consist of avocados, tomatoes, meat (chicken, beef, or pork) and vegetables. I also eat eggs and sadly there are a couple of processed foods that I have not yet been able to eliminate from my lifestyle…. One is tortillas. I have them about once or twice a week, and painfully I still eat cheese. But beyond this food battle the next level thing that I am trying to do is to get to where I only eat one meal a day. Research has taught me that we live longer when we eat less. Now will I ever get to where I only eat one meal a day? idk. But if I can get consistent with two tiny meals, then I know that I will eventually eat only one meal a day. And for some people they are on the belief that we must eat 3 times a day, but again, if you do the research we are our healthiest when the body is running on clean and low amounts of food. You see, the human body itself has not changed for over 2000 years, and 1000 years ago there was no gas stations selling hot and ready pizza or food delivery in 30 minutes or less or starbucks or redbull. Instead 1000 years ago you only ate once or twice (if you were lucky) That’s just how the body is made.

Now sadly this post is already long and I haven’t even talked about the real estate or any of the things that are moving me forward in life or towards my millions. I will save this for tomorrows post.

Hopefully these posts will help someone in their own life.

Love

Max.