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My demons have come for me….. but this time I am letting them in.

–Joe Nunez–

===-this post have been written over several days-===

Todays date: Friday February 20 2021

Time: 10:04pm

Place: The club in the ATX

I truly can’t remember the last time I sat to write. Life has just been that tough. And sadly, I just don’t know where to start. This thing called life has been such a shit show for so long that I struggle to find ways to push forward. My demons have come for me, but this time I am letting them in.

Lets begin with Jan 2020…. Covid was making itself known. And I ….Well I was slowly prepping for the club to close for at least 3 months… I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. But by the looks of things, there was nothing that I alone could do. People were so unsure about so many things in life that no one knew what to do or say or think during those times.

What I’ve learned from the whole Covid thing is just how lonely I created my life. And how I somehow painted my life into a corner… I spent the last 5 years working on myself that I made sure to do things that make my life very lonely. And oddly enough I did things to purposely not feel lonely. One of the main things was that I went out to eat every day. like I NEVER ate at home. Like never. Plus, remember the construction of my house still was not (and still is not to this time of this writing) not finished. And so cooking at home was very difficult. And somehow between, spending money on the apartments and the construction of my personal home, things just came down to the idea of what’s more important… finishing the apartments or finishing my house? And the whole time remember I was eating out every day, sometimes 3 times a day. And I guess what I did was to look at the apartments as more important rather than putting all my effort into finishing my house. My rational behind that was that I was already almost 10 years into building my home, so what’s a few more years. And what’s super odd is that now…Now all these years later and all these emotional problems later, I am still no better to an answer as to which is more important… finishing my home, or finishing the apartments.

But here is where things get deeper with Covid… being at home is really important. Or rather let me say… Feeling like where I sleep and where I organize my thoughts is super important to me….. it’s just super important for it to feel like “home” and to me home is supposed to feel “alive” And during Covid, I was able to notice how quiet my house is, and how much I isolated myself from everything, I could feel and hear my own footsteps echo on the walls, and worse, I began to notice how much news I was actually watching. It got to the point where watching the news was what I listened to for hours. (Totally a bad thing to do)…. and I guess I didn’t notice it in the beginning, but I remember hearing about people that were having problems with being in quarantine… something about needing mental help because they needed human interaction. And oddly enough, and at least at the time, I just didn’t really understand how that was affecting some people. But for me after time, I really started to miss being around people. I started to notice how my house was still just a construction zone and not a home. I slowly, and just ever so slowly, was able to see that where I rested my head just didn’t feel comfortable…. Hell even now it still doesn’t feel comfortable, but is now getting closer. It’s getting closer to being a home. But in contrast, now the apartments (the real estate) was and is still at a huge standstill.

After a while, this loneliness thing started to take roots in ALL aspects of my life and I truly mean in all aspects of my life, from the things I do to the way I feel about my life and myself. And to make things worse, watching my coworker David die in front of me was not helpful to my mental state. I remember watching him die here at work. I remember giving him his last glass of water. and what hits me deep is learning the depth of how David lived a lonely life. And worse David was not a rich man. If anything, he relished in his ability to once a year go down to Mexico for a day just to get his teeth cleaned. David always said that it was cheaper for him to get his teeth cleaned there. I mention about David because for me, my life feels so much like David….. Lonely, and struggling.

And even now, over a year later, since Covid first came to America, so many things in my life are just fucked. I have become so laxed on my bills and with how I run my life. I don’t keep track of my bills, I don’t watch my spending good enough, I don’t care what I eat. “Healthy” is not an important word to me. I don’t go to the gym nor do I go skydiving. I just don’t make myself a priority. And worse, I have realized that there is something that has become important to me. it’s the need for companionship. Oddly enough it is one of the things that I have written down for my “Experience List”. Actually on my Experience List I have written down “Wife and children”. And so I have begun to feel like this particular item, the need for companionship has gotten to the forefront of my mind. And in doing so, I have lost control of so many other things of my life.

And to make things even more complicated, over the last 8 or 9 months I have allowed myself to get emotionally attached to someone at work. This has been something that I have worked so hard over the last 5 years to no longer do at work. the last time that I had a relationship with someone at work was well over 5 years ago. Painfully I’ve been in the club business for a really long time and have stumbled upon what I thought was love. And truth be told, most of the time I wasn’t initially looking for love. But because of my own lack of growth in “actually learning” about how to have a relationship, things with people just never worked out. And to try and find love in the place where I work just makes it 1000 times harder. But now after all these years and during my recent years of personal development and personal growth I actually spent time learning how to love someone, how to care for someone, how to give to someone and how to understand someone else…. there are just so many things needed in truly knowing how to love someone. Having a relationship is always a challenge and takes work from both parties in order for it to truly work. But without at least one person that has knowledge, then the relationship is typically destined to have deep hardships and may ultimately not make it. And as for the person who I was deeply attached to, I don’t know if it’s because of Covid or because of who she truly is on the inside, but I really caught some serious emotions for her. I truly enjoyed learning about who she internally strives to become. And I truly enjoyed many of the times we spent doing things and learning about one another. Something that I found profound is that her and I both come from poverty, and sadly not enough people try hard enough to be better than where they come from. Sadly most end up being very much like their parents and typically have a life much like their parents. I truly hope she never stops trying to grow internally. I didn’t just find her desire to be a better version of herself to be beautiful and amazing, I also truly find that super sexy about her and will always be drawn to that.

But my point… Ever since Covid, my life has just been ship wrecked. And worse it really made me reevaluate things in my life. Remember the end goal is 20 Million in 20 years. And as for 2020, welp that shit just sucked donkey balls. like super big donkey balls. And now we are in 2021and we are almost a third of the way into 2021 and I’m still chin deep in shit. still chin deep in lost emotions, still chin deep in loneliness, still chin deep in feeling lost, and still chin deep financially in bills, and the bills just recently got deeper. I am still stuck in not knowing what to do with myself and my life. Like I know what I’m “supposed to do” or at least I think I know what I’m supposed to do. But damn… It’s like I ran out of purpose, ran out of reason, ran out of “why’s”

Tony Robbins always says that without a “why” you just won’t get shit done. And in reality, he is right. Like spot on right. And as for things in my life right now…. I just don’t have enough “why’s” in my life to really get shit moving.

I remember sitting on my couch as my guys were there doing work on the house. Like I was literally just sitting on the couch as they would pass by me and they were like “Max you OK”. And I barely acknowledged them. I even opened up once to my electrician and told him how I was truly feeling. Just really not good times. I cried way too many times during those months. and worse, during those times I had no problem contemplating death. I had no problem giving up on life. Even now, I still once in a while still really break down, but I’m working extra hard to try and rewrite my “why’s”, and try to remember that I can’t give up. I don’t know exactly why but I truly feel that I MUST nip this loneliness shit in the butt. If I don’t then I may not like the outcome that could happen. I like really gotta find a cure for how lonely my life feels.

And if I go deep into my thoughts, righty now, I just have a hard time having “purpose” in and for life. What if I end up doing all this work for just myself? What if I finally finish the house, acquire the apartments, and make the money… but in the end have no one to share it with… Like everything I read says contradicting shit… Sometimes you read things that say that you must walk alone in order to make it in life, while on the other hand, you will read things that say that it takes a team to really make an impact. And now all these years later and literally having a life that comes from the bottom of poverty I have learned that if you truly start at the bottom, and if you’re really trying to make it to the top, what you will learn is that if you work your fucking ass off, like really truly put all of your effort into being the best, you will find that you will just almost NEVER get to the REAL goal if your trying to do it alone. It just takes all the energy you can muster just to get shit moving. And when you are born poor….. Well, your just that much more behind at money, at knowledge, at help, at mentors, at having a circle of people that are doing better than you…. Basically you’re fucked and first have to learn how to get things started before you can even get running. It’s just facts.. And to make it worse, if your goals are big like mine, then you will see that life just works better with a team. Better with people around you that believe in you, that can at least give you moral support to not give up, that will help you clean your wounds when life stabs you in the battle to success

I believe that it’s important to have time to self develop, and learn about oneself, but at the same time, I truly can’t see anyone in life reaching their largest goals without someone or a team by their side. Life is just that challenging. Even now for me, I have Bob and Eddie and John that will help me. I truly can’t achieve my largest goals alone. Life just doesn’t work that way.

Here’s an example…. When I first got my 4plex, I spent hours, days, weeks, and months on end doing almost all of the work myself. I was plumber, carpenter, landlord, owner, accountant, runner, interior designer, painter, sometimes a foreman, and most of the time just a straight laborer. After about 8 years of not only working at the club and then also spending endless hours at the 4plex, I was finally able to make a dent in fixing the 4plex, but damn, to this day, the 4plex is still not complete. and worse, it still requires a shit ton of energy that I have to find from within myself.

But if I had a team, a partner, a reason to push, and not just for myself but for the reason of shared goals in life, a reason for “us” against the world, then I would feel as if I could carry the weight of the world. I would know that I have the moral support needed to keep me pushing forward.

It’s now 2:52 am on Sunday morning… and writing this particular post hasn’t get any easier. Remember my mind is just not where it needs to be. Within my brain are my thoughts of what I should be doing but at the same time I’m consumed with this grip of emotions.

What should I be writing about, what should I say that would help someone in my position? What can I say that will help ME. What can I say that will help me move on to the next level of my life? What will help me not feel so lonely? What can I say that will help me reach my goals? What can I say that will help me to get more apartments? what can I say that will help me to manifest the love that I desire/the partner that I will share my life with? Just what the fuck can I do or say or tell myself to get me to a mental place where I can visualize the better part of life? the better part of me?

In all honesty, I’m just at a loss for words. A few moments ago a friend of mine named Dre came up and was talking to me. He could see the despair in my eyes, it must have been painted all over my face. He could see that I am lost mentally. And worse, my heart, my love for someone is shipwrecked. We talked for a while. And during the conversation we talked about love, companionship, money, and what I say I want in life. And he asked me what is it that I find to be more important in life…. Money or Love? And in reality… what good is love if I don’t have the money to take care of the ones I love.

I’ve already lived a hardcore life of poverty, and as much as my mom loves me, not having money really fucks up life for the ones you love. And if I can get deeper for just a second…. It’s not “really” money that is the thing that is missing from poverty. In reality it is knowledge and knowledge of true capability. With knowledge and a little desire, then money can be acquired. And with enough knowledge you can learn how to love someone in a way that shows the deepest and greatest parts of you.

The date is now February 25 – 2021

The time is now 11:40pm

The place is still at the club in the ATX.

I’ve been writing this post super slowly simply because I just don’t know what I should put on the web. Like I want to help people. And I also want to help myself. But this part of my life, this part of what really has me knocked down, is just so damn close to my heart, and it just has me so emotionally distraught that I just don’t know what part of my life is worth saying. I know how I feel. I know what I miss. I know how I chose to care and how amidst covid, how caring for someone has either caused me to really let go of the things that I felt was super important…. But at the same time, remember on my “Experience List” is to have true companionship. And to make it worse…… I’m a Pisces. (and I know for many, my zodiac sign might not carry any weight, but for me. I’m sentimental, I’m romantic, and truly, I’m a lover at heart.)

I remember once reading something…. And what they wrote made me think, and after thinking I was able to realize in better clarity what I truly want in life, but at the same time, what I want painfully also requires money. The thought about things is this…..

Is it better to have money and live in a mansion but alone, or to be in love, but live in a tent on the beach?

And for me, at least the Pisces in me, If it truly is “pure love” and at least love in the way I now know about…. And if I really only had those two choices, then I would choose to live in a tent on the beach. But…. sadly life is just never that simple. Instead, life still requires money. and painfully as I get older I can see how a shit ton of money is actually REALLY important.

But what do you do…. When you are born from poverty, do you work all your life for money and have no one to share it with? For me that also just doesn’t work. Or do you spend all your time cultivating relationships and never acquiring any money? Well shit…. as what I am starting to notice, is that also just doesn’t work…. Instead, you just need both. there is just no way around it.

Lets give some examples…. when you don’t work hard to acquire money, then when you get older you will ALWAYS get stuck in whatever economic bracket that last made you money. You will almost never acquire more money. And to make it worse, life will always demand more money from you until you’re dead. It’s just facts. Point blank, it costs money to be born and it costs money to die.

And now…. writing this blog at work has also becomes very difficult. difficult because the person I chose to care about and put all my heart and energy into works with me. And I must, must, must pretend that my life is status quo. I must not show how much pain my heart is in and how I am literally dying on the inside. And its bad enough that here at the club, I struggle to keep my job, I struggle to not fall into all the gossip that can cause problems at work (and I am sure this happens at almost every job) but in a job like mine, it’s magnified by 100. And over the years I have learned to work hard to distance myself from gossip in the club, and those that don’t care to be kind to me. And the hardest part while working with someone that you still care about is learning to forget them and all the memories you had with them, and especially when you are the one that caught feelings and tied yourself to them. (and not them tying themselves to you) It’s just really hard. Truly just really hard. In a real sense, you literally have to kill the greatest part of you that you loved the most……. This is what’s killing me the most.

And what’s worse. and because of these recent events in my life,  I have just grown to hate God and not sure if I really believe in him anymore. I assume he is still there. They say that what doesn’t kill you really make you stronger. But for me. if God really loved me, if God really cared, would he really have allowed me to be in this situation in my life?

Is this a new point in my life that I am to learn from? idk. I really just don’t know. I woke up today, in no better of a state than I went to sleep last night. My soul still hurts. My heart still hurts. My mind is still lost. And somehow and luckily I barely care about my life. Like I know that I need to care, like I know that I must do something. I have guys like Eddie and Bob that still come to me for work. But god damn…. It’s been well over a year since I felt any drive. And it’s been many years since I have felt any form of consistent joy. Instead any moments of joy have been shorter than a blink of an eye. And worse. my emotional bank account is dead empty. And worse than that, I just don’t know where and how to fill it. I’m just that distraught.

Can any of these words help anyone who reads this? at this moment…. probably not. If anything, it’s just me hoping one day that I find a way out of this life I hate. When I use the words, “the struggle is real” this just ain’t no lie. Because of what I allowed to happen to me emotionally and because of Covid, I have gotten so lost on my bills, that as of this writing I still owe thousands on taxes for the houses, and I also owe thousands more on the 4plex. As it turns out Wells Fargo (the bank that gave me the mortgage) when Covid happened said that anyone that can’t pay their mortgage during Covid would be allowed to have the months that they couldn’t pay to be put on the end of their loan, but now all this time later, it turns out that Wells Fargo wasn’t exactly truthful during high Covid time. Instead what they did is to tell me that since I don’t live in the 4plex that I must now answer hundreds of questions about my finances in order for them to “decide” if they are going to help me. Which means that here in a month or so, I may have to pay close to 10 thousand dollars to Wells Fargo. Talk about shitting bricks. and this doesn’t include the thousands of dollars that I owe to the city in taxes. And lets make it even more fun…. It’s tax time for the IRS and I have about a month to get my taxes together for the IRS and I will owe money to the IRS …. how much… I don’t know. But I doubt that I will just owe them a couple of hundred dollars. Last I remember the IRS will do whatever it can to put you in the highest tax bracket. Fuck…. thinking about all this just gives me a headache and makes me want to just run away. This is where having someone in my life to give me moral support would be so fucking helpful. But again, I have to do this alone. I have to somehow get my head out of my ass. I have to get my emotions straight. This is such a hard thing for me. I truly hope I live thru this…. not just physically, but also financially.

And as I sit here writing at the club, I look around the room and many are drinking, laughing, having some form of sexual fun, and a few are just bored….. but me…. there are bombs going off in my head. Me, I don’t know where to turn for help. Me, I don’t know who to trust with my thoughts and my emotions. Me, I’m alone and stranded on an island. This is the life that Max is living. This is what Max is feeling. He barely believes in God. He barely cares to be alive. He barely knows what a laugh looks like. He is drowning in bills, and worse, emotionally being choked to death on the inside, and yet somehow….. He MUST find a way out of all this shit. If he doesn’t then this will be the last post that you will ever hear from me.

Todays date is Now March 13-2021

I’m here behind the mic as I write. Another huge challenge with this post is not knowing how to end it. How do I find a positive note about these events in my life? Truly I just don’t know. I just don’t think it is currently possible. Recently I decided to run away again in hopes of masking some of the pain. I recently took a 3 day get away to Los Angeles. I have a niece that lives in Bakersfield and she was kind enough to join me for a couple of days in LA. Overall the trip was nice, but there was just an overall resounding message in my mind. and that message was this…..

It doesn’t matter how far you run away, or how much vodka you drink in one night…. no matter what, If I can’t resolve the troubles in my mind, then no matter where I go or where I am on the planet, my problems will still be there in the morning. FML

So lets try and find something positive to end this shitty ramble of a post.

Next week, I will be starting ketamine treatments. Now what are ketamine treatments? Truly I didn’t know until a friend told me about ketamine being used to treat depression. And after some research it turns out that ketamine is a form of hallucinogens like acid and mushrooms and is used in the veterinary field to assist in surgery on some farm animals. And it was also first used in the Vietnam war to do field surgery. And I don’t know how, but somehow they are finding out that ketamine in small and targeted amounts has been helpful to reset thoughts in the brain for those suffering from major depression.

So is there a way out of this mental coffin of mine? I sure as hell hope so. Now these ketamine treatments aren’t cheap and will require that I take it for a total of 6 weeks, about twice a week. Now if I can be honest, I’m not comfortable taking hallucinogens, like I’m really not comfortable with it. Stuff like that along with opioids can be super addicting. And for someone like me…. my inner personality loves addicting shit!. So to me this is really kinda scary. But what’s my alternative? To stay chained in this mental hell? To constantly hear nails being hammered into my mental coffin? I just feel as I am running out of options. I have never been in this spot before. Not like this. I’m lost and there is no one next to me. No one to physically and mentally hold me as I am falling. I just don’t know if I have the strength get back up.

Like I have been hurt from love before, but…. I have never first been depressed and then catch feelings, then get hurt. the mix of these things just seem to really magnify everything in my mind, and so I am at point where I really think that regardless of my thoughts about hallucinogens. I really just think that I gotta try something different. And luckily there has been some science behind its ability to help with depression.

So I need to end this post. What will happen to Max? Will he make his millions? Or will he just become a statistic? Will he remember that there is purpose in life or will he succumb to giving up? Will he heal his heart or will he just wither in the wind and die in some motorcycle accident or car accident or other dangerous event?……

Pray for me and wish me luck.

Max.