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“Our own life has to be our message”

—Thich Nhat Hanh–

Today’s Date: July 16 2020

Time: 11:47 pm

Place: The club in the ATX

Max here…..

Wow…. Just WOW…. This year has definitely proven to be a growth year. But not in a way that is a financially a growth year (At least not yet) The year is halfway over, but I haven’t given up…. wait, wrong words….. let me re-phrase that…. I haven’t resigned to this year not being a financial growth year.

Instead this year has been a lot of emotional growth…. Like growth that is forcing me to ask new questions about my beliefs, new questions about what and how can I become the best “me” possible. Even at this moment, I find it extremely difficult to concentrate. Like concentrate on one train of thought. I feel like I have multiple thoughts running in tandem and my mind is not sure which thought to hold onto first, second, third etc.

When deciding to write today, I did decide to write because of one main reason. I decided that today I would write because I don’t want to always write when my mind is negative. And today was a positive day, and so I find it important to try and frame any negative moments thru the lens of a positive day.

So lets take a dive into what has happened lately. I’m not quite sure how well this will line up chronologically so please bare with me.

Somewhere about a little over two months ago a half brother of mine was in the hospital. And to be clear, here in America my mother gave birth to 4 boys…..3 of them have the same father and I am the only one with a different father. The eldest brother died some years ago. (I can only assume that was a deep and painful moment for my mom) I wasn’t close to brother #1. He was much older than me and he didn’t make a point of making me a part of his life, so when he died, it didn’t phase me, nor did I care. However, for my mom, I can only assume that it tore her up inside. Think of it. To have your child die before you die…… It makes it really easy to blame yourself as a parent for not doing a good enough job in life. (We’ll leave that thought there)

Now fast forward to about 2 months ago….. Brother #2 is in the hospital. This is the second eldest of the 3 brothers. Brother #2 is in the hospital….. Now how did brother #2 get into the hospital? Well, here’s where it gets difficult to write and not get lengthy…..

When I was still a child, Brother #2 was my favorite brother, I unknowingly looked up to him….. Funny part about looking up to people when we are young…. We easily see the good in people and never notice the ramifications of someones actions. My brother #2 was in and out of jail more times than I care to remember, brother #2 cursed at my mom and called her a bitch and a whore, more times than I could remember, brother #2 made drugs a part of his normal life, brother #2 along with brother #3 taught me how to roll a blunt before I could properly learn to write my own name, brother #2 used weed as his gateway drug to sedate the tough parts of his life, which only led to the shitty life that is now living, brother #2 catches HIV (How or why? I don’t know) DISCLAIMER: I don’t judge someone for catching HIV, that shit just sometimes happens. Instead my point about brother #2 catching HIV is just a fact of what happened in his life, brother #2 decides (even if he doesn’t actively decide) he chose to have (by his own accord or by accident) chose to have 6 kids from 5 different women. Brother #2 now at the age of 60 (or somewhere just a little older than 60), still owes child support. Brother #2 allows 3 of his children to get adopted. Sometimes I can see a purpose for adoption, but in this situation and the fact that him and I were born from the same Vagina, I find it hard to be okay with brother #2 allowing his children to get adopted. In his own defense, he recently told me that it wasn’t his fault, that the mother took the child and he couldn’t find the child…. Personally I call bullshit on that excuse….. Here’s why….. If I  Max, could find my family from my father’s side, and if I was able to find them literally halfway across the world on a small island in the middle of the ocean, then this so called “brother” of mine could  have found his child… Which was just 2 states away. For me…. No excuse. Period. But that’s just my opinion…. So My point this brother #2 made A LOT of bad choices.

And to be clear, I am a FIRM believer that we don’t get to choose how our life begins, but we sure as hell have a choice to decide how our life ends…. Just because you are dealt and born with a shitty hand in life, this doesn’t mean that you have to play it as a shitty hand. And if you need an example, then you just need to look to people like Blake Leeper, a man born with no legs, but deciding that he will work to become that fastest runner alive. Or even Nick Vujicic, Nick was born with out legs or arms, but now as an adult, he is a millionaire, a world traveler, has 1 or 2 children, and is married to (in my opinion) a very beautiful wife. Look this guy up and look at who he married. How the hell did this stump of a man with no arms, no legs, can’t swim, can’t run, can’t do push ups, can’t make love to a woman the way you and I can, How the hell does a man like Nick turn out to have a beautiful wife, children, world traveler, and a ton of money? While my brother #2 Ends up in Jail more times than he can remember, how does Nick have so much money while brother #2 has no job, has no money, and is depending on my mom to keep him alive. How does Nick become a world traveler and have millions of people love him, while brother #2 lays in the hospital with none of his children really caring whether he lives or dies?  Think about it…. Nick has no arms, no legs, and was taunted in school all his life, Nick never did the high school dance or anything that we did, but yet he has more in life than my own brother #2 who had 2 arms, 2 legs, and the ability to live an even better life than Nick….. Why did brother #2 end up with such a shitty life? Was it really the cards that were dealt to him? Was it really my moms fault? Was it really not within his control to have a better life? Here’s a photo of Nick. Notice his smile. Notice no arms, no legs. Life is a choice…. Just “decide” that you want better. Then run after it until it runs after you.

We all have disabilities. We all have something wrong with us, whether its mental, or physical, or both. Maybe it was a fucked up childhood, maybe something happened in your teenage years or maybe something happened as an adult, no matter the circumstances of your fucked up life…. Remember this…No matter what happens in your life…. you ALWAYS have the choice of how your going to feel about any and every damn situation in your life. And if you choose to be like my brother #2, if you choose to sedate yourself from the pain in life, if you choose to blame others for the bad shit in your life, if you choose to give up on your dreams, if you choose to not trust people, if you choose to ALWAYS think that life or someone is out to get you, if you choose to stay with and or be around toxic people, then all those things in life is what you will become. All you have to do is to DECIDE differently….

Sadly for most people…. they rather live the life of the known rather than live the life of the unknown…. People like my brothers in America rather live the life of the known….(the shitty life, the blaming, the complaining, the shitty friends, the crappy relationships, they rather live all the shitty stuff they know, rather than take a leap of faith into deciding to live the unknown of what life they could have if they just decided to do EVERY god damn thing in their life differently.

If they only instead decided that they were not going to sedate their feelings, if they only decided that they were going to face the pain until they learned to overcome the pain in their life, if they only decided to not give up on their dreams, if they only decided to not blame my mom or the things in their life, if they only decided to have no friends rather than have shitty friends, if they only decided to not have a relationship rather than have a bad or toxic relationship…… Because the truth is this… having a toxic relationship and having a baby in a toxic relationship only makes the child almost certainly turn out to have a toxic life….. Why put a human life thru such toxic shit…. Just decide to not live that life….Sometimes the unknown can give you a better life than the current life….. All you have to do is to decide.

So….. brother #2 ……. let’s get back to him in the hospital…. Brother #2 is in the hospital. So why is he in the hospital? We’ll to be specific, from what I gathered from the doctor, he decided to stop taking his HIV medicine…. But that’s just the beginning of it, he was also living in a garage. Living on a cement floor in a garage. And even at the age of 60 years old, the doctors said that when he went to the hospital that they found drugs in his system! WTF. This dumbass at the age of 60 is still doing drugs? SMFH

So what happened to him? Well luckily and by the luck of God this brother #2 did not catch the Coronavirus. How the hell did he not catch the Coronavirus during these times is beyond me. (The Coronavirus loves people with low immune systems and HIV gives you a low immune system) So luckily brother #2 did not catch the Coronavirus, but he did catch pneumonia. It got so bad that one of his lungs collapsed and because he got sick from the pneumonia he lost so much weight that he literally lost almost all muscle on his body. When I saw him he literally looked like the photos of the Jews from the concentration camps. (the ones where people looked like only bones) He was so frail that he couldn’t even walk on his own accord.

So now lets fast forward past the hospital… He (this brother #2) he has chosen to live with my mom…. And my mom is 85 years old. Imagine this…… An 85 year old mother is now having to take care of a 60 year old son. The difficulty in this is not that my mom is not a strong woman for her age. In reality my mom is still a strong woman, even at the age of 85. She still refuses to let no one but her mow the front yard. She insists that its good exercise for her to mow the front lawn. I love this about my mom. It’s that type of intent to stay strong that I have allowed to resonate within me.

But at the same time, and the fact that in my eyes, my mom is still a superwoman, but even superwoman has her limitations. My moms limitation is the fact that she is 85 and should be using this last part of her life to enjoy the passions in life that she never got to do while she was toiling away at trying to feed and take care of her children. For anyone that has children, you know that raising children is not for the faint of heart. Its many times more than just a job to have and also raise children. Then compound the fact that you must raise 4 children alone. Like I said, to me, my mom is a superwoman. Period.

So now that you have the background…. my brother #2 was in the hospital, my mom felt that it was her responsibility to care for this brother after he gets out of the hospital. And the reason she felt this way is because a social worker at the hospital told my mom that she was responsible for caring for my brother…. Personally I did not feel that this is right thing for an 85 year old woman to do, so I personally went to the hospital to talk with this social worker.

Here’s what I learned, I learned that my brother #2 is costing the hospital about $2500 per day for each day that he is in the hospital. My brother #2 has no insurance, no money, no job, and no way of EVER (did I say EVER) paying the hospital back. So the hospital wants to get him out of their hands ASAP. They don’t give a fuck how he gets out of the hospital. As long as they no longer have him sucking them dry from the cost of taking care of him in the hospital. And so the social worker was trying to pawn off my brother to anyone they can….. Including an 85 year old elderly woman. It wasn’t until I told the social worker that my brother #2 has 6 children, it wasn’t until that moment that social worker told me……”Oh I didn’t know that he has children.” She went on to say “His children are actually his next of kin and not your mom”.  Then I explained that none of his children really care to see him, but that I will do some research and see if I can find out how maybe some of his children can take care of him. So I went on a search and after a little work, I found a son that is willing to care for him. But in the end this deal turned sour. (again my brother #2 CHOSE to fuck this up). And I even found one of his children that got adopted, oddly enough this child that he let get adopted somehow was open minded to “possibly” and I say the word….”possibly” taking care of her biological father, but guess what, my brother #2 decided to also fuck this up, by cussing at her, by calling her names, bitch, cunt, etc. And this is one of the children that he allowed to get adopted! Why on earth would any man who chose to not take care of his daughter say such degrading and abusive things to a child that has not seen her father since she was 3 years old? Again, my brother #2 chose to fuck this part of his life up.

Personally I think he wanted to fuck these events up so that my mom can take care of him. If I use basic knowledge of psychology, there is a high probability that he wanted to try and get the love and affection that he felt he didn’t get as a child….. And do this at the expense of a now elderly woman. A elderly woman that will have to care for him 24 hours a day. An elderly woman that in the beginning will have to probably bath him, help to dress him, cook for him and be his maid. Is this right for an elderly woman to do? An elderly woman that is 85 years old? I personally say the answer is No. But my brother somehow thinks that this type of behavior is acceptable for him to do to my mom.

For me this is where the growth comes in….. Prior to this whole incident, the Rona (aka Coronavirus) has hit the world and there is now a worldwide pandemic, I also lost my job for almost 2 months, and I had to put several of my major bills on hold, and even now money at work is stark. I am having to reshuffle and re-juggle how I do my things in life. And growth during the beginning of the Rona occurred, but now this is a different type of growth. This is a different type of growth because I am having to set family feelings to the side. I am having to learn the depth of putting into scope of how fucked up my family really is, I am having to see first hand how a man with a fucked up mindset decides (knowingly or unknowingly) get a woman pregnant, and not take care of the child, let the child get adopted and only to have the child have deep and scarring mental emotions that only now reverberate in her own life….. And to now make it worse, she (the child) without knowing is in small ways only repeating the cycle. As I step back to look at this whole fucked up family, I can see why I for years now pushed so hard at keeping my distance from brother #2 and also from brother #3 (who is now a lifetime alcoholic and he too is almost 60 years old) and also unemployed and has no savings that I know of. But I digress….

Where things have gotten complicated for me is that I personally want my mom to live at least another 10 years. I would like for my mom see me become the successful, and I mean successful in a way that I know I am capable of becoming. Successful in finances and business, successful in finding a life long partner that looks at life the way I do and to also bear my children and successful in being an amazing parent and amazing at showing my partner how amazing she is. successful in the form that I am also able to leave this world better than the way I took from it.

And because I want my mom to see this happen in my life, it pains me to no end with the fact that an elderly woman must now use the remainder of her energy to take care of a man that has chosen to live a shitty life. It pains me that my mother will not be allowed to focus on herself. It pains me that my brother will put constant stress on the heart of an 85 year old woman rather than choosing to put that same stress on someone else. (like have his children care for him) At what point should an 85 year old woman have to care for such an elderly man that never chose to take care of himself…. Picture this…. If my mom is helping my brother walk, bath or any other situation where she is being something that he literally leans on, and if he falls then there is a high chance that she too will fall! Now the chances of having 2 people in the hospital just doubles!!! this means not only will brother #2 be back in the hospital, but now my 85 year old mom will also be in the hospital. And this doesn’t even include the hospital costs that my mom will have to pay for being in the hospital.

So lets sum this section up….. brother #2 DECIDED to live a shitty life, and in turn because he chose to live a shitty life, he unknowingly now has most of his children also doomed to a shitty life. (unless they somehow find a way to DECIDE to have a different life). brother #2 gets in the hospital and almost dies. Brother #2 now pushes everyone away except for my mom, who she now feels that she is “obligated” to take care of him simply because no one else gives a fuck about brother #2. Brother #2 has no REAL regard for his mothers age. Brother #2 chooses his whole life to be a taker and not a giver. Brother #2 has now hooked into an elderly woman’s emotions to where now an 85 year old woman believes that she must try to be the one to nurse him back to health….(all the while trying to take care of her own life)

For me as a son, this infuriates me! We as children should not be taking from our mother in this way, if anything we should be working at ways to give back to our mother. We should be finding ways to make our mothers life easier. This is the job of children.

Now things get more complicated….. Because before I got into real estate, my mother said something to me and I didn’t think twice about it. For those that don’t remember, I still live in the hood. I still live in a poor part of San Antonio. and many years ago, while in the back yard with my mom, my mother said “Max why don’t you build your house back here”. And like I said, I didn’t think twice about it. Besides that was about the time that I was thinking of trying to find ways to get into real estate. I literally knew nothing about real estate. I barely knew how to even pick up a hammer, let alone use it to build a house. And so when my mother said that I should build my house behind her house, I thought to myself…. “This would be a great opportunity for me to learn about real estate” I felt that if I learned how to build a house, then I would know how so many things were done (concerning repairs and maintenance etc) So not long after my mom said those words to me, I decided to take on the task, and so now over $100,000.00 and many years later I have an almost completely built house behind my moms house. Now normally this would not be a major problem with family……. Until you have brothers that are the direct opposite of your beliefs about life. It would not be a problem unless you have a brother that is a taker and not a giver. This would not be a problem unless you have a brother that decided to rely on an elderly woman to take care of him….. And where this gets really sticky is when you learn that without knowing the future, you end up spending over $100,000.00 to put a house on your moms property, and never realizing of the high probability of your mother dying while brother #2 is living in her house….. Without knowing, this type of shit can cause a ton of problems….

Picture this, my mom dies from stress, while my brother #2 is living in her house, and I am living in my house…… Normally this is not a bad situation….. Until you remember that your brother #2 has no job, that he has not had a stable job for at least 25 years or longer, that he doesn’t pay taxes, that he has no money, that he decided to never learn how to save money, that he decided to never have good people around him, that he decided to be a drug addict, that he decided to live life day by day rather than make goals and work daily on his goals, that he decides every day to wake up like it was an accident, that he just wakes up with no real rhyme or reason to his day.

This then becomes difficult because someone still has to pay the bills…. someone still has to pay the electricity, the water, the gas, and most of all, the taxes on the property. And currently because of my moms age, the county taxes are locked into a really low rate, however, the moment that my mother dies, the taxes run up and get expensive….. So the questions begin???? Who is going to pay the water, who is going to pay the electricity, who is going to pay the taxes?

Will brother #2 help to pay the taxes? Will he really be reliable to help pay the water, electricity, the gas or any repairs that the home needs? Remember home repairs get expensive. And my moms home is over 100 years old. That house needs a lot of repairs. About 1.5 months ago my mom finally let me remodel part of her kitchen. Her sink was literally falling apart and needing a ton of repair. It got so bad that when my mom finally allowed me to repair the area, that the word “repair” was not an option, it now needed a complete remodel. And luckily my mom has me, a son that now knows real estate and also knows how to build a house.

So here’s the second problem…. if my mom dies and my brother lives there, now I will be forced to share the property with him…. Which again would not be a bad thing, but the problem is that my brother never truly learned how to take care of things. He literally has almost nothing. He has no discipline… NO DISCIPLINE. He won’t be able to help with any bills whatsoever, but he will use the water, the electricity, the gas, and use the home with never having any money or tools to properly repair it. And he won’t have money for taxes. So now it will be up to me (assuming that I want water, electricity, gas, and the ability to keep my own home) it will be up to me to pay for all the bills while my brother just mooches off everything that I pay for. This doesn’t include that in the end, my brother will not bring friends to the house that will really make his life better, instead my brother will have friends that do what he does…… Remember they found drugs in his system.

Remember when I said that I have the belief that the children should aid in taking care of the parents and not the elderly parents taking care of the children????? Well here’s my second belief….. I believe that the older siblings should be living a life that mirrors the life that teaches the younger siblings on how to have the most amazing life. In other words the older siblings should be the ones to help the younger siblings. The younger siblings should not be the ones that have to figure things out for themselves….. This is a major reason why I try my best to help my brother and sister on the island (the brother and sister from my fathers side that live on the island) They are a few years younger than me, so I feel it’s my duty to help them in any form that I am capable of…. It’s just how older siblings should care for their younger siblings.

And so for me if my mom dies because of stress from taking care of my brother #2 I will be left with having a brother that will mooch off of me. Not only will he mooch off of me, but he will also not be able to maintain the house and all its needs. More so my mom has a few pieces of art work in her house, as well as artwork that she did on the inside walls of the house. And I would like to find ways to preserve and save any artwork that my mom did on the walls. And this will not be able to happen because my brother will live in the house and in the end he will be having drug addicts visit the house (remember my brother #2 is a drug addict).

I could probably write for another 10 hours about this situation, this thing that has deeply touched the most inner circles of my life, but instead I will cut things short…. These events cause great pain, great challenges, the idea of this post is to have a record of events and to show that life is never easy for anyone, its not easy for me, or my mom, or my half brothers, its not even easy for my family on the island. However, life is never about being easy, instead its about choices. its about “deciding”. It’s never going to be easy to make tough choices. But here’s the most important thing to take away from today’s post….

No matter what, life is going to move forward. Time waits for no man, and also doesn’t wait for any woman….. So you really only have two choices when deciding things in life….

Be the son or daughter that each day wakes up and chases and runs towards your goals in life, or be the son or daughter that just wakes up and lives life “hoping” that life will work in your favor.

If you decide that your gonna have a shitty life….then remember that it is going to affect more than just you.

And if you decide that you want to fight and work everyday of your life to have an amazing and truly memorable life, then that amazing life too will end up affecting more than just you.

think, choose wisely.

I never said it was going to be easy….. I am only saying that it’s going to be worth it.

Love,

Max.

The growth for me is realizing that if I (Maxwell Stone) is to attain my goals, then I MUST double down on every damn reason that I can find to go after my goals. Because if I don’t go after my goals, then all that is left for me is the life that my brothers and some of their children are choosing to live. And I’ll be damned if I allow myself to have that shitty life. I already lived an extremely poor and I already lived a shitty life once…. I have NO need or desire to live that type of life for the second half of the years that God (the universe) allows me to have.