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Max with another entry into my mental and visual world.

Today is Friday August 3rd about 9pm (or at least that’s what it was when I started writing this, remember I’m at work at the club and interruptions are moment to moment and currently take priority) As for tonight’s mentality…….it’s pretty good. I gotta say, it’s really not easy to recycle a new life from hard times. To unprogram, uninstall, erase or use any word that works best for you. And then to rewrite,  and over write into your mind new beliefs and new habits. To literally let go of everything that you thought was you. All for the sake of becoming who your internal soul craves to be…… It’s just mind boggling. Maybe that’s why I love the movie “The Matrix” so much.

Tom Bilyeu sometimes wears a shirt that says “The Matrix wasn’t a movie, it was a documentary”. And you know, somehow, I can really resonate with that. For me personally to come from a family and an environment that didn’t have time to teach all that I am learning now can be more than cumbersome at my age.  When I was young I was a latch key kid. So many parts of my life I don’t like. But back then you make the best of it or you go deeper down the rabbit hole of poverty (Which does not make for a pretty ending). Someone recently asked me, If you had a chance to go back in time, What year/age would you go back to. I replied…. “Before I was born”.  To sum up my answer for that is because, to put it simply….. I haven’t lived my best life yet. I just get the sense that so many people of my age seem to spend so much time hearkening back to their younger years, on those so called “fun times”. For me there was a few fun times, but there was a lot more bundles of sad, and unhappy times, than good times. You gotta remember, the internet wasn’t even invented yet, people still used those things called pagers, and having a landline was still thought to be a cool thing, and video chat…..  well that was only happening on SciFi movies. I even remember when I was in my late 20s and I bought a 500MB hard drive. Yep 500MB hard drive. Now a days you can’t even find a 500mb hard drive. And that 500MB hard drive cost me $500. Needless to say the cost of that hard drive deeply hurt my very shallow pocket. You know, It just seems that poverty has the ability to sting in so many painful and long lasting ways. Idk, Maybe for some people, poverty was good, but for me……….well…. We’ll just save those times for another post.

This week overall was good. The best part is that I met with Joan (the professional organizer). Truth be told, I’m a little scared how this is going to turn out. What if I don’t live up to the expectations that she helps me set? and than also, What if I get it all to work? You know? It’s like can all my dreams come true? Am I really ready to be that person? Am I ready to let go of EVERY DAMN piece of who I was 10 years ago. I say 10 years ago because I can tell that over the years I have gone thru some changes, but man…… there are still so so so so so (I can’t put enough emphasis) so many changes that still need to happen. During these several years, as I think about my changes, and the life that I still want, I get the impression that nothing about me will be the same. Not even the few people that I still talk to. (And maybe that’s the part that saddens me the most) I already don’t have but maybe 3 people that I talk/confide/be my inner self with. These few people that I keep in contact with are people that I only see in person about once a year. It’s really just sad. But what can I do, I can only pray that God has a bigger plan for me than what I can currently see, and that my life will one day be filled with someone to share my life with. (Now I’m getting to personal) Anywho….

Back to my prior thought….the unknown, the idea of not truly knowing the outcome of your life, especially when you are trying your best to create the vision that you see in your mind, it can just be so scary. I recently wrote in my notebook…. “Uncertainty – Live it, Love it, Embrace it.” It is something that I reflect on whenever I see it. Years before I would internally push away from from change/uncertainty/the unknown, but now I am trying to mentally have a different spin on it. I would think that the difference is all upon how well I can mentally visualize my future, how well I can love the moment that I am in while still believing that what I want is around the corner. To me the mental mantra is this…..The more I visualize, the more it becomes the norm (mentally speaking that is). And as for Joan (the professional organizer). I’ve realized that over my lifetime, I have heard how important it is to be organized, and how a well kept home is a sign of a well kept mind. And as much as I didn’t “REALLY” believe that, now I can see the importance of organizing. You see, the importance of being organized is not about “putting things in their place”,  or just so that “it looks nice” (although looking nice is a plus). Instead the real true point of organizing and being organized is to get every drop possible from your 24 hours! Especially if your someone that has goals, and for that type of person being organized is not just important….. It’s fucking vital. You see, life is already going to throw you curve balls whether you like it or not, and sometimes ALL DAY LONG curve balls, and other times all week long curve balls. So the idea is this, the more organized you are then the less you have to react to something that you could have had control over. There’s no need to have curve balls that you can control. That’s not going to help you get closer to your goals and dreams. The mind is a challenging thing to control. But once mastered….. It’s a wonderful life.

A very simple example about curve balls that can be controlled and curve balls that you can’t control and all in between…. for me it’s skydiving…. when I jump out of the plane, I don’t have control of whether or not I am going to touch ground. It’s going to happen whether or not I want to get back to earth. But what I do have control of is how I fly thru the sky ie: my speed, my movements, and how I enjoy the moment until I touch ground. And then there is still that uncertainty that I may not land in a manner that allows me to live. That’s a whole other curve ball of it’s own. But when I skydive I don’t focus on what bad can happen, I’m aware of it, and I run thru scenarios of what to do in case something tragic like that does happen, and then I accept any outcome that I can’t control. During my time in the air I practice on what is going to make me happy, what is going to get me more in tune with my body and mind and all that is needed to make my movements look cool/natural/beautiful etc. But I digress.

So organized. For me, I have had several people come to my house over the last several weeks to clean and organize my kitchen/living room. One of the last touched places that I am able to use even though the house is not finished is the studio. The studio is only halfway organized and only halfway set up. In the studio I have my music and my real estate stuff all crammed together. So about 10 days ago I had a woman come and take out everything that looked real estate related and put it in one of my sheds. Needless to say, when she was done, the space that she clean allowed me to feel more comfortable in the studio. Roomier, more of a studio. But even though it made me feel more comfortable, I still didn’t feel like it was the studio that I had imagined.

So yesterday I did not go skydiving. There wasn’t any early morning time slots for the people that I wanted to go with me and also it can get really hot in Texas during the afternoon time. So instead I stayed home and planned to work outside on things like the roof of my shed and on my BBQ pit, but man….  once again, It’s just freakin hot! So I procrastinated on doing that outside work and somehow walked into the studio and slowly thought about cleaning/organizing what had not yet been done. Gladly but also sadly it took me about 5 hours and I still did not finish, but by the end of the day, I can at least say that WOW, I was almost able to envision the studio that I have been seeing in my mind. And that was cool. That was organization. In the future, one of my goals is to be able to pay people to organize things for me, Thus allowing me to use my time and effort on the creation of things and ideas and also freeing me up to enjoy my personal fulfillment goals.

So yesterday ended up being a good day, and yeah, I still had mentally challenging days this week. Somehow I gotta figure out a way to lick the times when I somehow don’t wake up in the best of moods. It just boggles my mind how that happens and somehow this I will figure out. The difficult part is not having the bad day, but instead not understanding the reason for the bad day or even how to quickly turn that bad emotion around without having to do anything extreme or time consuming. Idk. but yeah, I’m still not jumping out of bed yet. It’s just something about how I am at this moment. Can’t put my finger on it. It could be just that I need a break, you know vaca. Like a real true break. 2 weeks, 3 months, something like that. idk. Maybe I need stronger reasons. Maybe my body is starting to feel old age. (Big bummer). Maybe it’s this damn Texas heat. Idk, either way I gotta get this negative, non inspiration thing licked.

Yesterday I listened to some of Evan Carmichael’s stuff. Specifically “Eric Thomas’ 50 rules for success”. Something about Eric, I just somehow relate to his style. Why? Idk. I just do. Listening to him helps to get me pumped mentally. It’s like listening to your favorite song, but for me it helps me remember that I gotta be on point, that I can do what I want in life. That I am hungry. For me…. Just good stuff.

I also went to a chiropractor on Wednesday. Lately, Ive been having a really bad crick in my neck, between my shoulder blades. I actually get that from time to time. Turns out that it’s part of how I carry my stress and that the more that I don’t work on it, then eventually it will cause a body habit that will only be uber bad when I get really old. And this week I have also been under the weather, something about going from outside heat to inside cool air has caused my sinuses to act up more than usual. And I get the sense that others are also getting under the weather. Secretly I wonder if it’s just my mind doing it to my body. You know, somehow my mind takes a small thing and then blows it up to the point to where my body actually thinks it is real. Again, idk. So what I did was take allergy meds and also some Nyquil for a couple of days. And they also say that after a massage or chiropractic visit that sometimes things like that end up releasing toxins back into your blood stream and that you should drink a lot of water to flush the toxins out. Hmmmmmm sadly again….. I just don’t know if any of that is really true. The power of the mind can really play tricks on us. But either way, this week, I wasn’t mentally at my best, and I didn’t feel my body being at it’s best, but it’s important to still find ways to get those small wins in. No matter how you feel, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Those type of setbacks must not be reasons for not finding some way to push the ball forward. A.K.A…….Finding sunshine.

#SmallWinsCount.

Sending Love,

Max.