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Max here, another day, I haven’t written in some time. Much has happened and yet I have only barely nudged the needle. This quest of mine, to achieve my dreams. Is a task within itself, and not because it’s unattainable, or too crazy, or that I am too old (although old does have its own set of drawbacks) But instead because in this quest, the hardest part is all mental.

Mentally staying focused. Mentality to stay positive in the face of every god damn kick in the face that I get. Sadly this is nothing new. Although, getting kicked in the face just doesn’t seem to hurt as much when you aren’t trying to achieve.

And now that I am trying to attain things, trying to make things happen, trying to design inner mentality to outer reality, trying to fucking make my dreams come true, it’s just one setback after another. It’s just one more unanswered email that I sent. It’s just another “No” when all I want to hear is “Yes”. It’s just one more phone call I make only to hear it go to voicemail. It’s just another “Fuck YOU!” When all I want to hear is “Hi how can I help you”. And for some reason, now that I am trying to be focused, these “No’s” are now amplified times 10. The people that don’t respond to my actions are just shouting “defeat” at me. Somehow I must remember all that I have read. I must remember gratitude, I must remember that failure is not an option. I must remember that failure is only there to ensure that I will be successful. I must remember that truly successful people are born from this exact same place. I must remember that all my greatest achievements are born from the fire of all that which holds me back. I must not be like others around me and succumb to being “ok” with mediocrity. I must push past the pain. ===Mental note: Max, get some Eric Thomas in your life===

Then there’s this thing called procrastination. OMFG! Right now procrastination has me by the balls. It’s like a cold that I just can’t shake. There are things that I should do, but just don’t want to do. There are people that I should call, people that I should email, things that I should prioritize, things that I should look at regularly, rituals that I should not deviate from, things that will eventually put me in a better position for opportunity. But WTF am I doing. God damn procrastinating. What the fuck am I doing? Hoping that it will be easy. Hoping that it will all “just work out”. What I have learned in my life is that things NEVER “just work out”. There must be things that get pushed. Things that get started in order for them to “later in time” work out. But fuck!!! I want results NOW. I am tired of waiting. I deserve to be greedy. (At least for a while) I am tired of being told NO. I am tired of being ignored. (and right now, being ignored is one of my fucking pet peeves)

Something that I must get back to is remembering all the “why’s”. I must get back to remembering all things that are possible and not care about the millions upon millions of setbacks, and mis steps that I have taken. I must believe in my own ability to overcome challenges. I must remember that this life, that these dreams, that they are just the puzzle pieces to my life and that life is fun. Life is boring without something to do (but man, really, truly, fuck, damn, it is so hard not to notice that life could be more fun if I just already had everything that I currently want) You know, someone once said that everything that you want to do in one year, usually takes 3 years. Well fuck, it’s been well over 3 years and I still have yet to achieve. I still have yet to attain. Some things…. somethings I can feel at my fingertips, and while others, well others….. just seem to have slipped out of my hand completely, never to return. (This is uber uber uber painful) and that’s a very personal truth. It doesn’t just hurt my heart, but also bleeds my ego.

How do I turn this around???? How do I get back from where I fell off???? How do I burn the fire to remember……remember that I am here for great things. That I started from negative only so that I can show others that anything is possible. (Boy I MUST remember that) I must remember that when one door closes, that another one opens. I must remember that If I have moved the needle even just a smidgen that I can move it again. I must remember that…… don’t be grateful for what I want, but instead to be grateful for how far I have come. If we truly all live in our own world, then I must do better at shaping, designing and believing in my own world.

Wish me luck.

Love, Max.