So Today was an uber tough day mentally. It was a mountain of bills that needed to be paid and people that just wanted money. Other errands that I was trying to do, either got delayed or took an extra long time to achieve. And recently, well…. I have just not been working diligently enough on managing my money with my time. Which now as I write this, is now powerfully visible to me. It’s funny, it’s now my own hindsight as to partially why and how I put myself in this situation.

You see, we are now just a few months from ending 2017 and I have been trying to get more done on all aspects of my life before the end of the year hits, from money, business, life (personal goals dealing with everything from my body/health, to relationships both internal and external with others) as well as trying to work on things on my Experience List. And truthfully, for me, it’s just a lot. Not impossible, just a lot. And inevitably most of these things usually cost money, more money than I am used to spending. And I have this nagging memory that says, without money nothing gets done. At least that’s what I was programmed to think. The reality, as I am now trying to rewrite into my neurons is that you don’t need money,…… but F$#k, the counter to that is that you better be really f%#king creative. Money doesn’t move the world. People move the world.

 The following is a short text message conversation that I had with a friend about the ending of my day and my mood. I decided to make this part of my post because I just can’t help but to believe that if I am going to help anyone that reads this then it is going to be with a clear view of the mental and physical struggles that I have while pushing through to my goals. My exact path, and my exact goal may not be the same as you or anyone else that reads this but, the the internal struggle, the negative beatings, the constant doubt from our cave man brain is the same in all humans, at least in this current life time. So this text……. just an exert to show my emotions in real time. Keep in mind that I was already having a larger than life troublesome day with event after event of bills that needed to be paid and other bills that came in the mail that needed my instant attention. And not to mention the things that couldn’t get done no matter how hard I tried to get them settled or accomplished. All with not enough money to pay all of these things or enough time in the day or daylight to call or see enough of the people that were on my pressing “to do list”.

Later that night I went to a dinner with the Masons.  It is something that I have been doing for almost a year now and even there I am learning a deeper understanding of humbleness, patience, and practicing internal growth. All of this is just a really heavy weight, and I can only hope that all of it is for a bigger, better and more beautiful purpose. Somehow I must, must, must….. must believe that God is setting me up for something even greater and more powerful than I can ever imagine for myself.

Here’s the text.

Me:  I went to my Masonic dinner. I haven’t gone for 3 weeks.

Felt good to go.

Although, there are these few guys there that still distance themselves from me. Its like they dislike me, even though they have yet to actually know me. It’s weird how I can feel them push away from me. I can’t blame them, they’re like me….. human. I guess life will always be a struggle. Some how I must push thru darkness. I must push thru the constant pain. It’s like someone has taken my heart and restricted it from pulsing, held it down and not allowed it to move. This is the feeling of constantly trying with a mountain of challenges and not knowing how to take the first step. I am chained….. My only hope…… Is to believe, to believe that somewhere within me I will overcome the pain. I will outlast the pain. I will, like a hammer, pound my fist until these chains are broken and I am given freedom. I MUST succeed.

Just venting….. #MyMountainOfChallenges.

My friend : Wow Powerful. Why don’t they like you? People don’t like people who will succeed or have good ideas or…….

My Friend: Why reapply. U really stand at door ?

Me:  I tried to become a mason several months back but got denied because of where I work. Because of my job, some of the Masons feel that I will stain their fellowship. Not all of them feel that way just a few. At the end of the day, we are all still human with a grey matter interface called “the human brain”. But yea, I applied, got denied and now I must wait 3 years before I can apply again. I can always wait 3 years to go back and apply, but what good would that do. If my goal is to give back to this world, then I must somehow, I must push to give even when I am denied. So I go pretty much every Wednesday and have dinner. Then after dinner I go home while they conduct their private business. I have got to learn to be positive in the face of everything negative. But anyway enough negative talk. How was work?

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So to sum it up….. really tough days happen to everyone. Especially to the ones that are trying to get somewhere, it sucks, really does, but if your gonna survive, you just can’t give up. You can’t let your words and the thoughts you tell yourself keep you down. Get up, push forward. Grind it out. Push through the pain. Internally, externally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. Know that their is a bigger purpose. Believe in yourself, no matter what the cost or how much darkness comes your way.

With great love,

Max.